more and more difficult...

seven

"Fuck, you asshole. Wake up, I swear. I didn't even mean to hit you..." Blake murmured, sitting beside Jayden's still body on the hospital bed. "You idiot... I told you I'd-" the lieutenant sucked in a sharp breath, cursing at himself for letting Norman leave his car.

"Fucking suit yourself. It's what you wanted, isn't it?"

Blake finally left hospital room, kicking a wall outside.

---

When Jayden finally woke up, honestly he was confused as fuck. He didn't remember getting hit or falling to the ground. He did remember leaving Blake's car in the rain, though.

The hospital was really quite... depressing. Norman scanned the plain white walls and how there was barely anything in this room. It was empty, he noted, raising his head a little only to fall back on the bed with a groan. It was terrifying to be lying in a hospital bed on your own if you'd imagine.

He silently began to cry, not actually realising at first. However when he started shaking while sobbing so hard, he couldn't help but realise.

He hadn't wanted to get hit there and then; he'd rather have planned his death - suicide - out. Jayden groaned, wishing he would've stayed in that car. A series of questions crossed his mimd. What happened about the suspect? Where's Blake?
Just then, the door opened, revealing a much too familiar figure.

No, Ethan, leave.

"What the fuck, Norman? You were supposed to be taking care of Shaun - not killing your fucking self! He's lost his brother, Jayden. What he needed last was to know that his 'second father' almost died!"

Jayden felt small.

"It wasn't suicide..." he mumbled after Ethan had stopped abusing him with words.

"I... I didn't see the car coming; it was too foggy-"

"Jayden, cut the bullshit okay? We both know how much you want to die so why the fuck would you expect me to believe that, huh? I don't care anymore how or where you decide to end it, but please, if it affects my son in any way, I would push you in front of a train and not fucking regret it. Do you fucking understand me!? Fuck, I've tried to help you but you won't accept it! How else do you expect me to react!? I have given up a whole damn day, talking to you on the phone, trying to convince you to not do it, but no! Go ahead and fucking jump in front of a car, why don't you, Jayden? 'know what? Die, I don't care. Just stay far away from my son."

Meanwhile, Norman fought back the strong urge to completely burst into tears and scream. His tears numbly fell to the side as he stared at Ethan's back wordlessly. He blinked and sighed, shuffling a little and then getting up, painfully, to try and bring himself to say something other than 'I'm sorry' - the only phrase going around in his mind. Instead of protesting or arguing to correct the older male now seated silently at the edge of Norman's bed, Jayden spoke shakily, "Ethan... please leave. Tell Shaun I love him..." He left the last part almost unspoken but Ethan could tell what words had left the younger's mouth.

If Ethan was honest, he felt no sympathy for Jayden at this point; he was too caught up in his own life to realise the situation to understand Jayden right now. He didn't want to console Jayden or even look at him. To say the least, he wasn't joking when he said he'd push Jayden in front of a train.

Ethan got up, stopping a little, before slowly walking to the door and seeing himself out of it, leaving Jayden to collapse back and finally get the chance to scream in misery.

---

Meanwhile, Blake, who had gone to retrieve a cup of coffee from the cafeteria on the other side of the hospital, was walking back to check up on Jayden. Purely out of genuine concern, he prayed he was awake and alive. No matter how much he hated Norman, nothing could take away that sense of panic and concern that washed over him when something had happened to the FBI agent.

The lieutenant walked to Norman bed, confused as to why he was just laying there, eyes full of tears. Blake was beyond relieved that Jayden was awake, however.

"Thought you were going to die, asshole," he whispered to him.

Jayden remained silent, studying the ceiling above him.

"Why didn't you just leave me after you hit me?" he asked after a moment of silence.

Surprised, Blake stepped closer and set his cup of coffee on the table. "I didn't hit you intentionally, Jayden. What the fuck?"

Jayden now looked at him, tears still falling. "That's not what I'm trying to say. I meant why didn't you just drive on after you found out it was me? What happened to that suspect? That was really important for the case, Blake."

"Fuck the suspect, Norman! You could've died because of me! Hell, Jayden, you would have been dead."

"And?" Jayden asked in amusement.

"Fucking hell, Jayden..." Blake exhaled sharply.

---

Jayden had to live in that hospital for a week or two, and that really pissed him off. He wanted to get back to work and make himself useful, but no he was stuck in this hell instead.

At this moment Norman felt like he had no reason to live, not with everything going on with Ethan, no. It wasn't fair to say that the older was to blame for making Jayden feel like this, the profiler concluded. Besides, Ethan was 'right', according to Jayden. He felt like he would have ended up feeling completely empty and like giving up one time soon enough. He simply didn't know how to hang on anymore. Laying around in his hospital bed on his own wasn't exactly helping either. Sure, Blake would sometimes drop in to check up on him and make sure he wasn't in a bad state - which Jayden managed to convince Blake of by pretending to be okay with being there. But overall it was lonely and depressing, to say the least.

Jayden often wondered if he could just stab himself right there and then, but always shrugged it off- no he needed to make sure no one was around when he did it. He felt numb - like he felt everything but nothing at the same time. He was sure as hell to actually kill himself once he got out of this damned place.

Jayden's leg was probably the only place where he felt a bit of pain from the accident. He still didn't get why he had to be hospitalised though, it wasn't like his injuries were life-threatening, even if he did wish for them to be.

---

vooooote and commmmeeennnnttttt heh thank you.

lov u.