more and more difficult...

five

It was the afternoon and Jayden had fucked up. Again.

He was in the bathroom, screaming in his head and hitting his head against the wall a little too hard. Needless to say, Norman couldn't care less if he got a concussion or not, he just wanted an escape. Shaun was over at a friend's house who had invited him to a sleepover so it wasn't Jayden's concern to be heard by him.

Well, Jayden had the whole day to himself. Now if that was a good thing or not was up to him.

His phone rang, making him flinch and look towards the sounding device.

The name read 'Asshole' at which Jayden rolled his eyes and declined the call.

"Not now, Blake!" he groaned, grabbing his phone and throwing it carelessly beside him in frustration.

The blade Jayden was holding dug into his palm roughly, eliciting a pained whimper from him. Hell, he enjoyed doing this, though. It made him feel... 'alive' as he'd say it. 

It was safe to say that Norman Jayden was beyond any level of help or therapy. He knew it itself and either way, therapy? For Jayden? He'd rather get hit by a motherfucking train. Well, he'd rather have that happen anyway but that's not the point. 

Jayden's phone rang again, this time a lot nicer name appeared; Ethan.

He let out a breath he didn't realise he had been holding in for a while. A shaky hand reached for the device, slowly sliding "accept".

"Hey, Jayden. Just called in to check up on you," Ethan told him rather happily.

Norman couldn't help but chuckle through the tears that still fell down his pale cheeks. "H-hey, I'm not a child, Ethan," He cursed himself for stuttering.

"Are you... are you crying? Shit, are you okay?" Ethan asked, obviously concerned. 

Jayden stayed silent for a while, debating whether or not to just cut the call and burst into tears again. 

"Jayden?"

"I gotta- I gotta go, bye."  

Immediately after that, Jayden cut the call and broke into tears once again, grabbing the blade again and slashing his wrists repeatedly. 

A part of him wanted someone - needed someone - to talk to and to let his feelings out to. However, the only person he would trust would be Ethan and he would hate to be a problem to him, knowing that Ethan himself needed help. Jayden often wondered what he meant to Ethan; many times actually. His feelings for the older had increased much more since he last realised it. That was another reason why Jayden put himself through what he did; the realisation that Ethan would never ever be attracted to someone like him. In Norman's mind, he didn't stand a chance. He would never be worth anything for Ethan. The way he saw it, he was just a friend Ethan kept when he needed help with something. 

Oh, how fucking wrong he was...

---

Ethan was beyond confused and concerned. What had just happened? By Jayden's reaction, he had a pretty good guess he wasn't okay. "Fuck, Norman, what have you got into now...?"

He sighed, not having thought of it to be too serious and sitting himself down in the taxi that had been waiting for him. Soon after, however, Ethan took his phone out and texted a "what's up, norm?" to Jayden.

Jayden stared at his screen, having calmed down a little by now. He was in the living room, an untouched bowl of salad kept beside him, which he later tipped in the bin. He began typing a message, though not knowing what exactly to type. 

"i'm okay don't worry" Jayden went with that as he finally pressed send, throwing his phone to the side and wrapping himself in his fluffy blanket to keep him warm. His hands reached for a pillow as he set it on his lap, hitting it absentmindedly. 

Jayden's expression was uncannily blank at this point as he stared into space, not really having any control over his thoughts right now. Before he realised, he was crying again. This time though, his blank expression didn't change; he just welcomed the tears, accepting them as his only way of showing emotion. 

Jayden really just wanted a way out. He didn't look after himself anymore, not at all. He didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't even care if he was to die the next second. He was becoming thinner and thinner each day, which he hadn't actually noticed until he lifted his jumper to treat a bruise and saw his ribs. Yeah, that unsettled him a bit, but Jayden wasn't going to start eating anytime soon. A sigh escaped from his shivering lips as he brought a cup of coffee closer to them, the steam from the warm cup filling his lungs. He hated having to show his brave front to the public. 

His emotions were fucked up, as probably noted. He could lose his temper quicker than a bullet. Like with Blake, he could punch that asshole or lose control and find himself at his mercy. Jayden hated it, to say the least. He looked at the time which was now 12am. Norman stared at it before dragging himself outside and sitting in his car, turning on the engine. He took a breath before forming the destination in his mind and driving away at an unreasonably fast speed. 

Jayden followed his thoughts to a bridge over the river. It looked really beautiful if you were standing on the bridge, which Norman was now. He looked over the city and its skyline which looked aesthetic at night. The lights formed irregular shapes over the skyline and the river flowed slowly, leaving behind small splashes. Jayden walked sat on the bridge, his legs hung down from the gaps in the railings. Smoke from his cigarette rose elegantly from, merging in with the icy air.

He would've rather spent this time on his ARI but he had to get rid of his addiction - or at least try. Besides, withdrawal from ARI was his way of punishing himself for being the 'failure' he thought himself to be. Norman wanted to jump off this fucking bridge. 

No one would notice, right?

Just then though, his phone rang. It was Shaun's friend's carer. Jayden sighed and picked up. 

"Norman?" the woman on the other end said softly.

"That's me," Jayden answered sloppily. 

"Forgive me if this is rather sudden but can you please pick Shaun up? He's feeling rather sick and I thought you might know best."

Jayden got up immediately, running to is car.

"Is he okay?" 

"He's fine, yes. He's just been sick and he doesn't feel okay."

"Right, I'll be there."

---

aaaah~

i lov norman jayden bye.

{not proof read heh cuz im lazy}