A Cowboy's Kiss

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

I WAS SURPRISED when Cheryl stood at the door, as the sun set behind her, with a bag of munchies and a cheesy romance movie in hand. I stared at her for a while, just taking it in. I had never had someone who would come to my aid even when I didn't want it, and didn't need it. I was supposed to be strong, but the suffication that followed was unexpected. So were the tears, as I embraced her, the sound of the bags hitting the ground distant, as I pulled her close and just sobbed like a twelve year old girl into her shoulder.

This is what I needed, I needed her and I knew in that moment, this girl was my best friend and I'll never let her go.

"I'm so sorry, I ignored you" I whispered after a while, when I could finally breathe again. She was petite in my arms, but her heart was big. 

"It's okay" she whispered to me as her hand ran up and down my back. Leaning away I smiled, despite the fact I probably looked like shit.  It was a slow building chuckled but soon I was laughing, I just couldn't help myself, I leaned against the door frame holding my side. When she looked at me and smiled it broke something inside of me, and the tears started again.

I felt pathetic but I felt stronger than ever. It didn't make a lick of sense to me, but I guess feeling this way for anyone even if it was for only a moment would never make sense.

Love? When did it ever?

Since when did I ever love anyone so strongly in only a few weeks, a few months, we never even spoke until a while ago and it wasn't even that long. I know next to nothing about the guy. Did this even matter? No not my heart apparently, it knew what it wanted. I had to give it some credit. It was my life line after all.

"Shh Bry -- it's okay" she said, placing a hand on my back, when my eyes collided with hers, I saw the sadness there, the pity, and slight anger. She cared, and it moved me. "Thank you" I smiled.

"Your welcome!" she said her voice perking just slightly, "Come I brought Endless Love and a but load of chocolate to make us fat and happy"

She grabbed my hand and tugged me to stand upright. I tightened my Grip on her hand,  I stood staring down at her, she was beautiful. "You'll make some guy happy one day Cheryl, you know that don't you".

"One day" she said blushing, "now which way to the tv!?" she said dragging me along.

"Right ahead door on the right" I said keeping pace with her as she dragged me down the hallway. 

SITTING ON THE COUCH wrapped in a the throw blanket, it was knitted with various colors, I watched Cheryl put the DVD into the player and stand up.

"So wheres your mom?" she asked as she walked to the couch, plopping down and pulling the bowl of potatoe chips onto her lap. Taking a chip I regarded her for a moment before answering.

"She's up the mountain, taking rock samples and reading seismic activity with some machine they have up there" I picked up a chip and plopped it into my mouth. 

"Sounds fun!" she said, picking up the remote. I just looked at her I don't know if that was sarcasm or what but looking at her, it looked genuine, I could be wrong and just reading into it. 

"Now don't make a sound movies on" she said, taking a few chips three at a time and shiving them in her throat.  "Yes mom" I whispered and grabbed the bag of M&M's and turned to watch the movie.

BY THE END of the movie, I was holding the blanket and bawling my eyes out, but I wasn't the only one, Cheryl laid on my shoulder, her cheeks red and rosey from crying. I wiped my hand across my cheek obscuring my vision slightly. "That was a good movie" I whispered, and turned to look down at her.

She turned her head and looked at me, "It really was" she said with a soft wimper. Her eyes were so blue right then, and so innocent looking, I didn't know what came over me. One minute I was smiling at her, the next I was kissing her.

When I pulled away, I felt the regret of it. The guilt that's going to slowly build up. And the silence that followed suffocated me, I couldn't breath. What was I doing? I wasn't this person....This wasn't me. In a span of a moment, I had lost myself and in the end, I might of just lost the only friend I ever had. I was also gay, I knew this, I know this. So why, was the pain that much I had to just do it? Endless questions, and not one answer for it.

"I'm sorry" I said, because I didn't know what else to say, she was just staring at me. Not blinking, not blushing, just staring. It was unnerving, I didn't know what she was thinking. Did she hate me? I didn't know, I needed to know. If she hated me I didn't know what I'd do. What I wasn't expecting was her to lean up and kiss me again.

What were we doing? Crossing a line that shouldn't of been crossed. Should never be crossed. I didn't stop her. I don't know why, I just gripped her closer, pulled her onto my lap. I hugged her close and just kissed her. This was wrong, and I didn't care in the moment, the reprocusion can come after. I didn't like her, I knew that. She was beautiful always will be, her soul was pure, was I tainting it? I probably was, I was sinning right in front of an angel. All because of a man  rejected me.

How far have I fallen? 

Pretty far if I'm making out with my best friend and I'm gay.