a tragedy of some kind

game of hearts

"Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." ~ Jodi Picoult

I wonder,

if it will elude your notice.

I wonder,

if your will escape her clutches,

if only for a moment.

To notice,

i'm not there.

Will it intrigue you,

When I'm not sitting on my window

seat,

staring at heady skies,

or the dying stars.

So beautifully unreachable.

When I no longer occupy the table,

in the corner,

by the window,

at our favourite coffee shop.

Drinking coffee,

taken black.

Just the way you like it.

Will you wonder why,

I no longer wander beneath the

heavens,

in the quiet three am,

through the depths of the park?

Will you question,

the disappearance,

of my once intimidiating form,

from the hallways of hell?

The morose tread of my doc clad feet,

No where to be seen,

never to be heard.

Will you notice,

When I'm not sitting,

in the back of our cinema,

re-watching old black and white films,

of the foreign kind?

Over,

and over,

again.

Will you contemplate this oddity?

Guessing at whenst I've gone?

Probably not.

But when you finally discover,

what has become of me,

where I've gone,

what will you think then?

Go on Logan,

speak your mind,

tell me the fucking truth.

Where is your courage,

or should I say,

where is mine?

After all,

I gave you everything,

all I had to give.

A never ending cycle,

a game of sins,

a house of cards,

that is always caving in.

Don't you remember?

Don't you remember Logan?

All that I bequethed you.

A gamble for my heart,

my life,

my soul,

one I will never win.

You coward.

Go on,

tell the truth.

For once in your life,

for once in my miserable goddamn life,

Speak honestly.

Don't put my courage to waste.

Step out of your corrupt world of

shadows,

a farce of sun and sweetness,

and tell me what you would think,

when I am long gone.

Use my courage.

You never had an issue before,

taking it.

What,

you used it all?

Here,

have this.

Its not authentic,

it's of the dutch disposition,

but it's all I have.

The only distinction,

between you and I.

I took to the pills,

and the heavy drink.

the ones of terrifyingly instant

consequences.

Forgoing,

the blissful cancer sticks.

The ones that took so long to kill,

the ones,

I had fought so hard to quit.

For you.

Placing them between my teeth,

imaging,

I had so much time to die,

and,

even longer to live.

Then you left,

and I had nothing,

Every breath was like a whisper of your

name,

even if you were long gone.

And so began my relapse,

with those alluring devils.

Would you like to know why?

They reminded me of you,

if only for a moment.

It's as if,

I could taste your scent.

Disappearing,

just so,

caught in the wind,

taken far from me.

Yet always memory served,

envoking nostalgia.

As if teasing me,

reminding me,

all that was no longer mine.

Go on Logan,

just take it.

I'm tired of these games.

-Delilah