Lucid

Chapter 4

Overthe next days Mo Guan Shan tried to avoid He Tian as best as he could and went so far as taking a different way to school every day and hang around in the classrooms between subjects pretending to do some homework (Homework! Me! It's getting ridiculous, he thought more than once). Luckily, He Tian didn't bother him that much, instead he seemed to be rather busy and stressed to tell by the slightly pissed off expression he wore most of the time. Not even his fans seemed to cheer him up. Mo Guan Shan knew when to avoid He Tian in a fowl mood. Slowly, he felt like things were returning to normal.

In the middle of an extremely boring analysis of a 19-century love poem (Seriously, who reads this shit about lovebirds and passion and cheesy crap like that anyway?, he thought annoyed) when his phone buzzed. "Come to my place after school. Need a proper dinner. Take-Out is killing me." No hello, no bye, no have you plans? Mo Guan Shan suppressed an irritated sigh. Yep, definitely some kind of power play. Ignoring the fluttering in his chest, he typed "Fucking hello to you. Can come and cook, but you pay for the groceries. I'm not your fucking mom." Send. He was sure his classmates must have heard his heart beating. Shit. He was vaguely aware that he might be digging his own grave.

Standing in front of the door to the apartment, Mo Guan Shan was steeling himself, calming his breath. What was he thinking what would happen? He would cook dinner, get annoyed by He Tian fooling around, they would eat and then he would go home. There was absolutely no reason to be nervous like a chick before a date. No. Reason. When He Tian opened the door he looked a bit surprised, like he didn't expect Mo Guan Shan to actually show up. Mo Guan Shan noticed that he looked slightly disarranged. His usually perfectly styled hair was ruffled, and his black T-Shirt seemed crumpled. He also noticed that he liked that. It made He Tian seem a bit more normal, like a real human being. After standing awkwardly in the door for a few seconds, he asked "Can I come in or do I have to cook with fucking mental powers?". He Tian stepped aside and Mo Guan Shan went into the kitchen.

He purposely had chosen a more complicated dish so he could keep his mind busy. His brows furrowed in concentration, he didn't notice He Tian coming up behind him. He jolted when a hand gently touched his hips and almost stabbed He Tian with the kitchen knife he was holding. He wanted to turn around and smack this fucker's face, but again his body seemed to be frozen on the spot. He Tian looked over his shoulder, his hair tickling Mo Guan Shan's ear. He could feel the warmth of the body behind him, seeping in his chest and making his heart beat so fast he was sure He Tian must notice it. He felt light-headed and a bit shaky, very aware of the closeness. If he took one step backwards, his body would be pressed against He Tian's. The thought made his breath hitch and he felt a well known heat pooling in his groin. A chuckle from He Tian snapped him out of his haze and brought him back to his senses.

"The fuck dude? Have you gone fucking insane or what?" Mo Guan Shan hissed, the shock dissipating in anger, and confusion.

He Tian only quirked an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? I wanted to offer my humble help but you seem to be just fine." His voice was even, revealing nothing.

"Don't play fucking dumb with me, asshole! You know exactly what I mean!"

"I'm afraid I don't, so please enlighten me before you're going to kill me with that knife."

Mo Guan Shan felt the heat of rage boil within him and shouted "You fucking dickhead! You always treat me like I'm your property, order me around, make me come here and cook your fucking dinner! Like I'm your fucking maid, but fine, you pay, so I can live with that. But what fucking bothers me is that you always need to touch me, like some fucking pervert, and stand behind me and get a kick out of scaring the shit out of me! I don't know if this is some sick fucking kind of psycho mindfuck, but I hate it and I want you to fucking stop."

Mo Guan Shan was breathing heavily, sweat on his temples. He Tian looked at him, with a neutral gaze, but Mo Guan Shan noticed that he grabbed the table so hard his knuckles turned white.

"And what if it isn't some kind of sick mindfuck?", he asked with a hollow voice.

Mo Guan Shan looked at him, not understanding.

"What do you mean? What fucking else should thatbe? Please enlighten me here, asshole!"

He Tian swallowed, suddenly seeming unsure what to say. "Couldn't it just be possible that I like to touch you and have fun messing around with you?"

"I think you having fun tormenting me is the definition of sick psycho mindfuck." Mo Guan Shan deadpanned.

This was leading nowhere, and his anger slowly faded into a numb feeling of disappointment and embarrassment. Seriously, what was he expecting?

He Tian sighed. "I'm sorry Momo, I'm not good at stuff like this. I meant, what if I really liked touching you and enjoy being around you?"

"I'm very fucking sorry but I find this hard to believe", Mo Guan Shan sad with a bitter tone.

"Why not?"

"Because-" Mo Guan Shan hesitated, this was getting kinda weird and personal. But what the hell, they already had a freaking psycho talk, so he could as well go all the way. "Because you are He Tian. You are fucking perfect. You have this place, you have money, you have every fucking opportunity for your life. All the guys wanna be like you, all the girls wanna fuck you. And I am Mo Guan Shan. I share a tiny shithole with my mom, my father is in jail, I work several jobs and are constantly fucking broke, all the guys hate me and the girls would rather die than fuck with me. Compared to you I am a pathetic loser. So that's why. There's no fucking reason why a guy like you should like somebody like me."

Silence fell between them, and Mo Guan Shan felt like having said too much, way too much. He Tian just looked at Mo Guan Shan with an unreadable expression on his face. Mo Guan Shan felt a wave of shame washing over him. Muttering "Shit" under his breath he headed for the door. He had to get out of this suffocating silence, already hating himself for blurting out words that could not be taken back. He was almost at the door, when he heard He Tian say "Don't go". He stopped, not sure what to do.

"Don't go. Please."

Mo Guan Shan hesitated, the doorknob feeling cold on his sweaty palm. Still facing the door, he said "What do you want from me, He Tian? I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for cooking, just order something in-"

"Please stay with me. I said I'm not good at this, this whole talking and emotions stuff."

Mo Guan Shan turned around and slowly walked back to the kitchen counter, where He Tian was sitting, and waited. It was his turn with words now. He Tian rubbed his hands over his face looking tired, and a bit anxious. 'I've never seen him so vulnerable', Mo Guan Shan thought.

"Look, I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I know it, and to behonest, I really do enjoy it"- Mo Guan Shan cringed- "no, I mean I really enjoy being close to you. Teasing you. Making you swear at me and promise to beat the shit out of me. With you, it's never boring, and I don't grow tired of spending time with you. You cook me dinner, and you are the first person to do that. You bring something in this place that otherwise would be missing. I know I'm being an ass sometimes"- "most of the time" - "but I really don't want to hurt you."

Mo Guan Shan tried to process what he just had heard. "So, you like being around me, and you say you don't wanna hurt me, that's okay I guess. But still, I don't understand what it is that you want from me. If you keep touching me like that and stuff, I'm gonna loose my fucking mind!"

He Tian swallowed and eyed him for some seconds. "You know, usually I always just take stuff that I want. I never ask. But I'm gonna ask you now. May I kiss you?"

Mo Guan Shan just stared at him, mind going blank. Had he really just been asked to be kissed by He Tian? He blinked a few times in confusion, not really knowing what to do with this useless brain of his.

He Tian stood up and slowly walked to Mo Guan Shan. He lifted his chin with his fingers, so Mo Guan Shan had to look in his eyes. With a low voice, he said "I did ask, but I'm also terribly impatient, so I take you're non-answer as a yes."