SDMN Oneshots

Unpretty - behzerk (platonic)

Pretty.

It's a childish word. Simple, with a two-syllable construct. It's often associated with items of clothing, objects that don't really matter, as well as people. The word is superficial, I guess is what Ethan's trying to say.

Pretty, as a word, despite all its positive meaning, is harsh on the tongue. It's a spitter, the double 't' sound prevalent in the mouth of the user, although Ethan does tend to drop his.

Despite the feminine overtones, that's what gives the word 'pretty' a masculine edge, in Ethan's opinion, the brute shape of the word. It's sharp, toned, defined, like the body of a man, and everything he ought to be, but really isn't.

He sighs, watching his movements in the mirror opposite him, as he braces himself against the sink. His chest drops slightly, and while he's a lot healthier and fitter than he used to be, it still feels like something's wrong.

The shape of his body makes him feel emasculated. He feels too effeminate, and estranged from his own body. The disassociation as he moves is terrible, and a thick set weight in his throat and his heart, which only makes him feel heavier.

He blames Josh.

Actually no, that's unfair, Ethan thinks. It's his own fault that he's ended up with this mindset, but in his head, Josh is the epitome of masculine prettiness. He's got it all, the voice, the eyes, the beard and the solidly built structure, with just the right amount of fat to look healthy. He is perfect, and Ethan wants to be like him, so fucking much.

It'd be nice, just for a day, to have Josh know exactly how Ethan felt. To live life in his shoes for once. No matter how many times his mum told him that he was perfect, an angel, that he was beautiful, he didn't believe it.

Not anymore.

Not for a long time.

It's sad, really. He gets these phases, where he decides to push that self-degrading, self-deprecating mentality behind him, and focus on being the image of body-positivity, and other hyphenated words, but it doesn't work, because each time he gets halfway there, he looks at Josh again, and his self-confidence crumbles. It's his own fault, his own mind, and Ethan's more than willing to own up to that.

That doesn't stop him from compensating, from wearing oversized expensive hoodies and t-shirts though. Even if you realise your mistakes, you still try to cover them up. There are so many 'coping mechanisms', things you can try, to disguise who you really are.

But then you wonder why the shape of your body isn't flattered by the clothes you're wearing, and why no one's attracted to you. It's a never ending cycle.

Ethan doesn't remember the progression into this state of insecurity.  He used to be so confident in himself. Maybe not in terms of his looks, because he was never vain. Being vain was something that didn't sit right with him, but he was comfortable in who he was.

He felt able to eat in public, laughing happily along with his mates during a meal. Now, it's a cesspool of anxiety, and a meal out takes a month of mental preparation, building up that resistance, attempting to ignore the judgemental stares of those at other tables.

"God, look at that fat kid pigging out over there. It's a bit grim, to be honest."

"Every group of hot guys needs the token fat one."

Those are the kinds of comments that run through his head, when he goes out to eat with the guys, with anyone. He's only really comfortable on his own, or with his mum, whose seen him at his lowest far too often to judge.

One time, he went nearly two days without eating, before someone realised, and insisted that he ate. That was when they were in Ibiza for filming, and who else would notice, other than Josh.

Pretty, perfect Josh.

Pretty perfect, Josh.

The difference one piece of punctuation can make is drastic. Pretty becomes quantitative and qualitative, combined.

Which makes it even more Josh. It's consuming him, Ethan thinks. Life would be so much easier if he could just block Josh from his mind, leave him behind, and focus on becoming happy with himself again. But he can't, for the sake of work, but friendship as well.

He wouldn't want to lose Josh in his life, even though the man leaves him in a constant motion between extreme highs and lows, completely without meaning to. Ethan is enthralled by his every move.

The worst part is, it's not even sexual, or necessarily romantic. He loves Josh wholeheartedly, don't get him wrong, but he's so fucking pretty, that it makes Ethan feel so much worse about himself, and it hurts, knowing that he can't view Josh in that same way he did before, back when he was confident in who he was. When he knew himself, unassociated with Josh's prettiness.

Maybe one day, he'll get over this. He might seek a therapist, make sure he loses weight the correct way, in steady progression. But he can't do that until he's sure he'll be doing it for himself, not for someone else. He can't live to be the image of Josh, Ethan knows that.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be the image of him.

Not when he feels so unpretty.

Author's Notes
I've been wanting to write this for the last 4 months, and it's been in the works for about 3 months now. It's a hard topic to approach, and I wasn't quite sure how to adapt Unpretty into a one shot, where one person wasn't a bad person in that situation.

I love this song and the fact that Left Eye is doing ASL makes my heart soft.

I felt like behzerk would work best, just because of Ethan's blatant idolisation of Josh? It's so apparent in every video and I love it.

I don't think this one shot is my best, not by far, but I felt like I needed to write it.

I also hate the word 'pretty'.

💙😊💙