Everything's Alright (Sequel to "Please Be Okay")

~ Fifteen ~

           "Are you... are you ready?" Phil asked, standing in the doorway of the bedroom. I could see him standing there, in all black, a jacket in his hands. 

"I can't... I can't move." I told him, feeling a pain in my chest that seemed to keep growing stronger. "He's in my head... I can't stop thinking about him. He's all I can think about... he won't get out of my head. And at first, I wanted him to. I wanted to stop thinking about him, I wanted to stop feeling the pain of hearing his voice every time I close my eyes. I wanted him out of my head. But then I realized... that my head is now the only place he exists." 

Phil didn't reply. He stood there, staring at me for a few seconds before walking in and closing the door behind him. He sat down on the bed next to me, and grabbed my hand in his. 

"That's not true." He finally spoke after a few seconds of staring at the floor silently. "He exists in so many other ways... in so many hearts and minds. Hell, he's all over the damn internet. He's still here, even though it seems like he evaporated into thin air. He's here, and he always will be." 

I smiled to myself for a moment, not speaking and not moving. I knew Phil was right, but part of me still didn't believe it. I wanted him to be real. I wanted to speak to him, I wanted to see him, I wanted to feel him. But I couldn't, and I was having a pretty difficult time accepting that. 

"We should go." I said quietly, my voice cracking as I spoke. I smiled at Phil and squeezed his hand slightly, to thank him for what he said. Then I stood up, and walked out of the room. 

       What they never tell you about funerals, is just how much fake sympathy there is. Everyone is telling you how sorry they are, and how missed whoever died is going to be. Half of the people there barely even spoke to that person more than three times and they still showed up. I get that they were all just trying to be there for me, but seriously, if I don't know you why are you hugging me and telling me how upset you are that my husband is dead? 

      Also, everyone is always smiling. People come up to you with the biggest smile on their faces just to remind you once again about your dead loved ones. I just don't understand it. 

"Would anyone like to say a few words?" The minister asked, as he stood in the front of the room. It had already been over an hour of sitting in this room full of sobbing people and I felt like I might throw up. And I wasn't exactly excited about throwing up at my husbands funeral, so I tried to make myself seem as small as possible so I wouldn't have to speak. 

"Aria, why don't you come up?" 

Shit. 

I looked around at everyone now staring at me with wet eyes as I stood up. Phil gave me a half smile and touched my arm sympathetically. I walked up front, slowly. But not too slowly since stopping may result in me falling over. I already felt tears in my eyes just thinking about what I was going to say. It still didn't feel real up until this point. But now, I was about to give a eulogy for Daniel Howell and it was real. It was too real, I almost couldn't take it. 

      When I stepped onto that short stage all the noise in my head stopped. It was like everything was finally quiet. So quiet that when I started to choke out whatever words I could think of, I didn't know if I was actually speaking or just moving my lips. 

"I umm... I didn't right anything." I started. "I mean I was going to of course, but then I tried and I didn't have any words in my head I guess... Dan was amazing. He was perfect, he was smart, funny... he was everything. But I don't need to say that, you all know how amazing he is... was. I don't need to remind you that he cared more about his family than he did himself. I don't need to tell you that he helped raise the perfect child and spent every second of every day worried about her. You all know that, that is the kind of person he was. He always spent too much time thinking about other people, and not enough time thinking about himself. Maybe that's why he never believed in perfection. I don't really know where I'm going with this... I guess what I'm trying to say is that he will always be the man I love, and he will always be perfection. I love you, Dan... and I'm sorry." 

As I walked back to my seat, I didn't really know what I'd just said or where I was going. I just did whatever my body told me to do. I don't really remember the rest of the night. All I remember is the hugs, and the goodbyes, and watching them lower his body into the ground inside a fancy box. That's it. 

I lied down alone that night, in the bed I once shared with him. And I couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't even close my eyes. I just lied there, looking up at the ceiling my mind completely empty. After an hour I got up and walked down the hall to Lydia's room. She was sitting up in bed and smiled at me when I walked in. 

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" I asked her, smiling as a tear rolled down my cheek. She nodded and smiled wider, moving over and patting the spot on the bed next to her with her hand. I climbed into the bed and got under the covers with her, putting my arm over her and pulling her close to me.

"I love you so much..." I whispered. "Don't ever forget that." 

"I love you." 

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Woah I actually updated something? That's crazy. Anyway, I know this chapter kind of sucks and is honestly just really sad so sorry about that. Also, no this isn't the end of the story. 

Thanks for reading... Love you! <3333