ABANDON

Chapter 34 -- Training

Words were lost to Michael as he watched John gather up the same equipment used to train him.

    "And where are you going with that?"  Soon asked.

    "Jane wants to be trained."  

    Michael was shocked into a new sitting position.

    "Good for her. She'll be wonderful."  Soon said.  "Is she coming with you to the hollow warehouse?"

    John moved a pile of cases, pulling one from the bottom and tucking it under his arm, then he  picked up another in his hand.  "Ah."

    Michael was leaning very far forward on the rock he was sitting on.  "She agreed to that!  How did you convince her?"  He leaned even further forward, the information taunting him into danger.

    "I didn't convince her.  She asked to come." John stood.

    The shock made Michael fall off the rock.  He stood and brushed off his black clothes.  "She asked!"

    "Ah."  John started to move away.

    "Wait, you're starting right now!"  Michael took a step towards John, awkwardly, still unable to believe what he was hearing.

    John stopped only for a moment, heavily burdened by the many things he was carrying, to say:  "Ah."

    Soon pulled Michael from behind.  "But..."  Michael stammered.

    "You are in the way."  Soon said,  "Stop holding your sister back."  

    John didn't take Jane to the usual training area.  He took her to a smaller more private space.  The moment they walked in and John turned to face her, Jane's mind called up all the times she had watched John train Michael.  There was no way Jane could do what she saw them do.  She lamented the fact that she was always getting herself into things she later regretted, and she already regretted this. 

    "I thought you would appreciate somewhere where the others couldn't come watch."  John explained as he set down the many crates and cases he brought. 

    "You know me."  Jane admitted, looking around.  "Well, time to teach me how to not fear, like I always do."  As soon as she said it out loud, Jane felt sharp pangs of regret.  How stupid of her!  Why was she always blurting things out?  And she had really done it this time, she had gone and admitted a well guarded truth.  Jane was in that place again.  She turned around, too ashamed to face John.  It happened so quickly, at one moment on top of a figurative cliff, and the very next at the bottom.  She fell past that point where she had a choice.  Into a so recently familiar realm of nothingness.  Jane wished she could die.  The Stealer's gonna get you, you'll live a thousand years; Your thoughts will keep reminding you, but not one day will be yours.  Jane could hear the words over and over again in her brain: I hate myself, I hate myself.

    "One step."  It was John who spoke.  "I know where you are, I've been there."  He was standing beside Jane looking forward. "All it takes is one step.  One step to a better place.  I promise. There is still hope.  Your brain will send messages of all kinds.  Pick and choose what you listen to.  It's okay.  You will find out just how wise you are."

    Jane nodded and as she had done before, she envisioned the pile of pain, then turned to the side taking one step to a better place.  Jane looked at John, "I'm okay.  Stupid,"  and this was said cynically, although what followed was sincere, "but okay."

    "Aren't we all."  John said calmly.  He went back to pulling things out of a crate: a metal post about a meter in length with diodes at the end, a large light covered in a metal cage, a large circular disc of silver webbing, another metal post and as he pulled them out he said: "I would not be a very good teacher for fear.  Every time I see an Ander, I fear; every time I see a building, I fear; every time I leave this cave, I fear—for myself, for my people, for our world. But I do what needs to be done, despite the fear.  Fear is not an enemy here."