Make You Believe [Jerrie]

Chapter 3

Things are smooth for a few days, Jade and Perrie getting impossibly closer, more handsy. They're just...the boundaries are gone. (There weren't many in the first place though, Jade supposes.) They just get each other, of course they do, and with each reassuring smile Perrie sends her, Jade feels more and more comfortable.

"Hey Perrie?" Jade says one afternoon when they're curled up together in their now shared bunk on the tour bus. The others are outside, but Perrie and Jade favour each other's company much more, so relaxing it is.

Perrie opens her eyes (why do they have to be so piercingly blue? It's like she can see into Jade's soul) to look at her carefully. Maybe she senses how nervous Jade is.

"Yeah?" She asks, playing with their intertwined fingers.

Truth be told, Jade has no idea what she's doing or why on earth she's even considering doing it. She could go through it in her mind all day and it would just make less sense, so she settles for the simple answer. She trusts Perrie so much that she feels like she needs to tell her this. That's it. She can't come up with any other reason.

"He...He used to tell me how wrong I was." She breathes, risking a glance up to see Perrie's expression darken. "Used to tell me how stupid I was for failing my test, or how dumb I was for not cleaning the house properly. Those were the things he punished me for most, I guess. But, I mean, it just...it got stuck in my head. All the things he'd say to me, they got stuck in there and I couldn't get them out. And they're still there, Perrie. I can't stop them. I can hear him telling me how terrible my solo was. And I suppose...I mean, I always want to punish myself, yeah, but I suppose the reason why I do it so much is cause it's the only thing that gets him to shut up."

Perrie's silent, watching her explain, but her eyes get a little red with the promise of tears and Jade, well, Jade can't even hold her back.

"Does that make me crazy? To have him still...to still hear him?" She questions nervously, only half believing so. She just needs Perrie to say something.

"No, no you're not crazy." Perrie assures her quickly. "Of course those things got stuck in your head, how could they not? He told you all those lies – yes Jade, that's what they were, lies – while he was sexually abusing you. Of course you believed him; of course you took it to heart. How could you not? You wanted him to stop, you wanted his approval. It makes sense that you listened and let it get stuck in your head. I'm no expert on kids who got raped by their father, but Jadey, that seems completely normal for someone with your past."

Jade's quiet for a moment, staring at the bunk's ceiling as she takes it in, tries to replace her father's voice with the much more favourable Perrie's. She repeats it over in her head, not crazy, she told you all those lies, it makes sense, that seems completely normal. She finds a little warmth blooms in her heart.

"Really?" She questions, looking at Perrie. The younger girl shifts closer, reaching out to wrap her arm around Jade's slender frame.

"Really, really." Perrie says, adding a smile. Jade can tell she's forcing it there, but the sentiment sticks and she smiles back.

Jade sighs after a moment, more confessions bubbling to the surface. She can't keep them down, and that should scare her, but it's somewhat reassuring. "He, um. He used to tell me what to do, too. Like. He taught me. And. It's all I've ever really known, so it's the only way I can really have sex. I mean, I just..." She trails off with a self-deprecating laugh.

"Hey, Jadey. It's fine. You don't have to explain." Perrie comforts her, running a hand up and down her back.

But no.

"No, I do. You should know, especially if we end up...well. I just, he kind of made me into what he wanted. I used to think that's how it was supposed to be, but when I grew up, I found out it wasn't exactly normal. Not that anything about that was normal. I just, well, you know what I mean. But he, um. Made me really, er, submissive? I guess that's the right word. He made me do whatever he told me to, made me ask him for things. I was too young to understand some of the stuff he said, but I got the gist. I knew I needed to lay still, and be quiet. I had to agree with whatever he said, and I had to...answer with 'yes, daddy'." Jade admits, it leaving a sour taste in her mouth. God, why does she have to be so fucked up?