Everything She Was | ✎

02 ○ 𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽𝓫𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝓮𝓻

I saw you at AP English today. When I walked into the class with Ana right next to me, you were sitting there by the window. Eyebrows furrowed as you blocked everyone out. Your focus on nothing but your phone, furiously typing away for what seemed like hours.

And I swear I felt my world stop right there.

Then you looked up, nodding at your team mates who clapped your back on their way out.

Your eyes followed them of course, you notice everything. You noticed the discreet looks they threw at me, you know what they are talking about. I know you do. And I know what you'd do next but it still kills me a little more every time.

You turn away like you don't see me standing there, looking at you, hoping that for once you would acknowledge my presence.

But you never do. And honestly by this time I should've learnt that you wouldn't, especially when you're at school. You don't want to be seen with me for the exact same reason as everyone else.

Because someone like me can only ruin everything you've achieved and possibly tarnish whoever you have become to fit in.

And even though it feels wrong I let it slide and walk right past you as if we're strangers when we are not. Quite far from it to be honest.

Once I was gone you sighed, your shoulders visibly relaxed. A part of you that thought I'd speak to you was glad I didn't. Glad that I had successfully managed to keep up the facades you so desperately faked.

I watched as you grinned at Andrea when she asked what's wrong. My insides burnt when you tightened your arms around her before you leaned in to whisper something making me look away.

It was hard watching you act like I didn't exist when my whole goddamned world revolves around you. The fact that you'd never be mine is something I can never admit out loud and I hate how weak it makes me feel.

And even though I still stay up late every night wishing you'd call to talk about your day just like old times, I know nothing can ever be the same anymore.

Sooner or later I know have to accept this and move on. I need to stop thinking about you, stop hoping that one day this will all be over and our interactions would be more than the silent expectations and stomach churning disappointments.

Then why does it seem to be the hardest thing to do?

Its like I keep a piece of you tucked away each time I write these letters, but word by word they seem to be tearing me apart.

a/n : matthew is honestly my third favorite character and the old readers know how much of an asshole he really is. lol i'm so fucked up.

also hey its the 1st of december and esw has officially begun and i promise i won't take this book down ever again.