Conflict of Interest

Chapter Forty Four

Jenn

"This thing you're calling therapy is bullshit," I said, standing up. "I don't want to be interrogated anymore. For the god-damned last time, I don't know who attacked me, and I don't give a flying shit if the PD thinks I'm lying about it."

"You're angry."

"Jesus fuckin' Christmas, no wonder they gave you an MD." I wanted to swallow the southern that was cascading out of me, but when I got enraged there was no stopping it.

"Detective," he said softly. "We still have half an hour."

I sat back down frustratedly, not liking the captivity of the situation very much at all. "I want you to know that the only thing keeping me from that door is the desire to keep my job."

"We don't have to talk about the assault right now," he offered, but of course the only part I clung to was right now.

"Great," I said flippantly.

"Let's talk about your relationships."

I physically deflated. "Not great. Why do you people only like to talk about painful things? You have to be a bunch of sadists."

He smiled. "So I take it you've been unhappy in a recent relationship, then."

I laughed. God, maybe I was crazy. What the hell was he writing in that book?

"We ended it," was what I decided to tell him. "And that was the right thing."

"So why do you think you're still hurting?"

"I never said I was still hurting."

"You referred to it as painful. Why?"

"Because I loved her," I said, unable to meet his eyes. "Okay, love. Still love, present tense. And if you think she can't hurt me anymore just because we're not together anymore, no offense or anything, but you're delusional."

"Do you still have contact?"

"Now and again," I said. "The crazy thing is, we're on better terms now than we were a couple weeks ago when we were still together. You know how you can be with someone who drives you completely batshit insane, but God, there's just something about her...you know, the way she looks at you, or something, the words she says, or that smile she gives...I don't know. She's beautiful, I mean breathtakingly beautiful, and so smart, with the best, darkest sense of humor, this captivating something I can't explain. But she could be so damn mean, and it's dangerous. And that's a deadly combination, I'll tell you. Being so alluring, but having this talent for making you feel so...low."

"Do you still feel low?"

"I feel lonely," I said out loud. "I miss her."

"What is it that you miss?"

"Want a list? We can start with the sex."

"It sounds to me like your feelings are a bit deeper than that."

"Well, they are, but I'm not really up for talking about all of my billion and one feelings for Carrie."

He made a face I couldn't read. "Carrie?"

"Yes," I said. "My ex..."

"Yes, of course," he said quickly. "That's alright. We don't have to talk about it anymore."

***

Kim

Carrie trained her eyes on the ceiling, almost like she couldn't look me in the eye.