Thomas Brodie-Sangster Imagines

Part 20

THIRD PERSON P.O.V.

My Little Love,

I'm broken. I'm beyond broken, kid. You've done the deed and ruined me. You know me. Or, you knew me. I'm not a cliché, or whatever Ava always refers to me as. I'm not. We are not. But you've truly broken me.

I never really thought that you would actually leave. When we were younger, it all seemed so far away. It seemed like an idea, so far in the future. You knew I've never agreed with any of this. We haven't ever thought that The Maze was okay.We know the evitable. I want you healthy. I want you safe. I want you protected. But, this isn't the answer. But, now that you're gone....God, you're my life. I've never been in so much pain. That's a heavy phrase. Be flattered.

I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I'm numb. The fact that you're gone keeps hitting me. Over, and over, and over again. It's living hell, Newt. Knowing that you're gone. Knowing that you're not safe. Knowing what you have to do. Where you have to go. I'm terrified. I don't know what to think, anymore. I'm so helpless. You're so far away, from me.

You're never going to see this. You're never going to see me. Isn't that insane? I'm never going to kiss you again. I'll never touch you. I'll never sleep next to you. I'll never feel you breath. You'll never run your hands through my hair. Hell, you don't even remember the color of my hair, anymore. You don't know I exist. You don't know that you exist. You've been gone a month, and you don't know us, anymore. Do you know how hard that is to wrap my head around? It's impossible.

I talk to you, you know. All the time. I talk to you out loud. In my head. Whenever I'm alone. You're my best friend. The love of my life. The one human being that knows what the hell my life is. And you're gone. Ha! I'm going to go mad! That's been all the gossip lately. "Have you heard? They are going to have to sedate that little looney-tune. The one with the non-muney  in the maze. They say the little one's going insane, having to watch theboy go through the trials." They're right, blondie. I am going insane. 

It's so odd to watch you. I see my Newt.  But not always.You have the mannerisms. The voice. The walk. The way you breath, is the same. But, you're terrified. You're so alone, and you're so scared. You don't look like the boy I fell for, sometimes.  It's insane to watch all you boys, up there. You were each others lives. Now you don't trust the other one not to kill you during the night.

I remember when you first kissed me. We snuck out, and we were watching the sun set. The sky was awe striking. I was entranced at the colors. You always made fun of me for being so easily entertained by colors.... Anyway, you tapped me on the shoulder, and before I could even fully look at you, you smashed your lips into mine. Not going to lie, wasn't your most graceful kiss. I remember your teeth knocking into mine. But, I pulled back, and then I kissed you. You put  my hand in your hair. Kept kissing me. You gave me one hell of a first kiss, Newt. Good job. God, buddy, I was so mad at you when I figured out you weren't a muney. Tommy told me, when I was telling him that I kissed you. You risked your life to watch a sunset, baby! You're insane. All you ever did was blab about how much you loved the dumb things. "I like pretty things, love! I like kissing on 'em, too." You would say that to me all the time, almost as an excuse.

Moral of the story is, whenever I look at a sunset, I think of you. You're my sunset, kid. The beauty at the end of my day. Whenever you look at your sunsets, I hope you feel something. I like to pretend that you do. If you have sunsets. Do you have sunsets?

I really hope you have sunsets.

God, I love you.

I wish you could love me.