Feeling

Chapter 23 - Confusion

Dad and Richards mum soon worked things out meaning the plan had miserably failed, however they still had a slight sense of ‘awkwardness’ between them. I thought eventually that would tear them apart. Richard and I were spending a lot of time together which made me happy, I even got him to talk to my mum, he thought it was stupid at first but once he started talking he couldn’t stop.

Me and Richard felt nothing awkward between us, even after what happened, him and his ex-Christina got back together but I didn’t mind much, he rarely spoke about her and when he did he was being mean. He’d say things like ‘she’s so annoying’ or ‘she’s so clingy’ and I always ask him if he loves her and he says yes. I guess that was the part that got to me. I didn’t get how he could complain about her all the time and still love her.

My Dad asked me at one point if me and Richard were together, I said no and when I asked why he said, “Don’t know really, you two are just very close, would be pretty awkward considering the situation with me and his mum”

‘Very close’ well yes we were very close but only as friends and that was the only part I wanted to change. Why couldn’t Richard see me in the way I saw him? There was one day when he was at mine, he’d had a really bad argument with Christina and I ordered him round mine to talk about it, he came in without me even opening the door, and sat down in my room and picked up my mum from the floor.

“I can’t do this” he said, his eyes shut. He placed the tin back on the floor and pulled my chair towards him. I laughed a little.

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know” he said almost screaming. He put on hand on my face and the other tightly round the side of my neck. He pulled me in towards him and placed his lips against mine. We kissed for ages, it felt like we were the only two people in the world, I could feel his breath on me, and his hands moving around my neck grabbing me tighter and tighter. I opened my eyes to see him already looking at me, he pulled his lips from mine and rested his forehead against me so I couldn’t see his eyes. I felt his hair with my hand as he kissed my neck, I looked down to see him grabbing my leg.

Without words I locked my lips shut and pushed Richard away by the shoulders, I didn’t look at his face as I wheeled myself from the room, he had to realise on his own what he had done wrong. Just the thought of his attempts to make me feel something like that made me feel sick, I couldn’t feel a thing, and he just took advantage of his to help himself. As angry as I was and as much as I wanted to cry I still wasn’t mad at him, he may have forgotten, he was a good guy right?

While I sat with my face in my hands I heard the door of my room open and heard Richards footsteps on the wooden floor.

“I’m sorry” He said, he spoke like it was a question.

“You can’t do that, you know it” I said to him moving further into the living room.

“I know, but I couldn’t resist”

“Whatever” I scoffed out. I went to the front door and held my face where he couldn’t see my tears, I opened the door and gestured to him to leave. He sulked out of the door and began to walk towards the bus stop.

Back in my room I dragged myself onto the bed, and sat there confused and miserable for over an hour before Dad came in to ask what was wrong, I told him to leave me alone and as I asked that is what he did. He did it for the rest of the evening, even when I went for dinner.

I got a text from Richard as I got into bed saying ‘I’m so sorry, I wish there was a way I could make it up to you’ I asked him why he kissed me and he came back with a really stupidly long message.

‘Well you’re beautiful, more beautiful that Christina, sometimes I think about asking you out, but I can’t because I don’t think I want to leave Christina. Me and her have something very special, I feel like what I have for you is just a crush but whenever I am with you I want to kiss you. You mean so much to me, you’re an amazing friend, and I guess I felt lonely because of the argument me and Christina had, I’m sorry for misleading you.’

I replied with ‘Can’t you give me a chance’ and he said ‘No, we’re too good friends for me to risk that..night..x’

Being ‘good friends’ hurt more than him having a measly crush. Sure he was confused and sad, but I knew exactly what I wanted, and if he gave me a chance maybe he would have wanted the same thing, as clear as it was that it was never going to happen I was not going to give up my hopes.

The day after our magical kiss I saw Richard in school, he approached me and as he did I went the other way. Yes I wanted to talk to him, and yes it would have been easier to convince him by talking to him, but at this moment I couldn’t control what I did, I didn’t want to see him as I felt humiliated, so fled from the area to find my friends, who somehow already heard the news.

“Nice kiss you had then?” Chris said laughing.

“Explain the amazing story of how you found out then” I said laughing as I moved to the space at the end of the table.

“Well Christina and Richard made up, and he said he needed to ‘confess’” Sam made bunny ears over the word ‘confess’ like what he did was not a bad thing. “She dumped his ass then spread what an asshole he is around the school”

I realised that Richard and I being ‘friends’ wouldn’t work, it wasn’t helping him and it wasn’t helping me, I needed a way to get away from it all, so I decided to go on a vacation for a few months. To Canada.

** Tomorrow I'm going away until Friday, I'll update as soon as possible, nearly at 400 reads, thank you all so much, vote and share x**