Title: Dusk and Dawn
Author: OkamiAmaterasu
Rate: PG-13
Genre: Fantasy; Adventure
Summary: Even though they looked alike the Adams sisters could not have been more different. Total opposites of each other in all aspects possible, these young girls were blissfully unaware of their true identity..their shadowed past. However when fate reveals to them their true being in the form of an old book found in the attic they are forced to search for answers to all of the unknown questions. Born as witches and having narrowly escaped a death by the hands of their own father Sophie and Flora must now set out on a Quest to conquer the darkness looming over their world.
With the help of the handsome archer Will and the wisdom of their mother will they succeed? Will the dangerous love brewing between Will and Sophie bring about the destruction or will their love survive?
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The Review:
Okay, let’s tackle this chapter from the inside out, shall me?
The cover is great. It’ captivating, and it doesn’t look like one of those cheesy “copy-and-paste” ones that are so easily made using Picnik. Good job.
Now let’s look at the writing. First of all, your sentence structure is all over the place. There are some sentences that are run-ons, and there are some that are too choppy and short. You could fix the run-ons by just breaking up your sentences using punctuation, whether it be a comma or period. It really isn’t that difficult, it just takes a little time and patience.
Also, your grammar has a few kinks in it. There are a few marginal errors that could be taken care of by editing. I recommend editing more in-depth, or getting a friend to read through it. That way, they’ll be able to comb through it and detect some errors that you may have skimmed over. Also, try editing it a day after you’ve posted it, or after you’ve finished writing it. That gives you a mental break from the story. Once you come back to it, your mind will be refreshed and you’ll be able to truly edit it.
Don’t be afraid to add details. By adding details, you’re letting your reader be in the story, instead of justwatching the story unfold. What is your character seeing? Smelling? Feeling? Touching? Hearing? If you’re having trouble thinking of ways to expand your details, go in once you’re done writing and add them in. Write the story so it’s down on paper so you don’t lose ideas, then go in afterword and edit the content; Add descriptions to make your writing makes it more flavorful.
You ended on a cliffhanger, which is always beneficial. Good job on that.
Overall, your writing really isn’t that bad. You have room for improvement, but then again, so does everyone. Just consider these few facts, and your writing will already be LOADS better.
Good luck! :)
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~Good news, OkamiAmaterasu! You can now request an interview, if you want one! PM @Totallyinsane to get started :)
~To check out this story, click the external link =)
~We apoligize for any feelings that may have been hurt during this review- that was not our intention at all!
~This review was done by @ilovedyoumore, to request a review from her PM @Pinkypromise99
