𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 13

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   The very same day, finally arriving home, I let my feelings take over. As soon as I walked through the door, I couldn't keep the tears in anymore. How stupid I had been! Everything was turning to shit!

I hated myself. For going to this party. For getting a job when I knew that I had taken a risk in having sex with Michael. For letting my relationship with Emma completely being ruined as the days wore on. I was so disappointed in everything, feeling blue, almost desperate.

I hated feeling like this, but what else could I do?

Only dislike myself so much, and hate what I had become despite me. 

   When you spoke about pregnancy, people would usually talk about how great and beautiful it was. But not to me. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I had planned for me at this point in time, and everybody seemed to forget about it. 

I didn't know what to do. I only had two people I could trust, my old friends had been playing dead since Emma had told them about everything, and hadn't asked me how I was doing.

 I was an orphan at the age of twenty-one, and the trauma that came with it was almost unbearable. My parents were gone from my life, and I hated myself more than anything for turning my back on them when I could have loved them while they were still here. I was an only child, and I needed them, but I knew that if I ever got the guts to talk to them again, they would slam their door in my face, and not feel bad about it.

    It was exactly what I had done years before, right before leaving for University. At the time, I wasn't worrying about money, or whether I would be missing them or not. I had acted stupidly, and now, in these four walls, sitting at the end of my bed, sobbing, I regretted it. Money was never the matter. I was comfortable, and somewhat wealthy, but this wasn't about it, now.

But I was feeling so abandoned, cut off from everybody now, and most of all, I was apprehensive of the future. Not the near future, I hoped I would turn out to be okay, at some point, but I didn't know what would happen in the next few years. I got tense, and decided to try and forget about it for a moment, because it would only bring me down even more.

   That was the problem about thinking about the past. It would eventually lead to heartbreak, reminiscing about the better times. I felt like I was trying to make my way through the dark, now, without any precise goal. What was the meaning of it all?

   I wanted to call Emma so badly. And I knew she would pick up straight away. But I refused to argue with her; I couldn't, not quite yet. She was everything to me, and seeing that she was slowly detaching herself from me was hurting me more than words could express. I gathered enough strength and typed her number on my phone, until I heard someone knocking at the front door.

   When I went to open it, Emma was standing there, smiling faintly. I looked up at her and engulfed her in a hug, and she didn't move.

"I was about to call you," I spoke. "I really needed to see you, I have so many things to say."

•••

"So you stayed over at Michael's yesterday?" she asked, looking visibly quite annoyed. I don't know if all of this is right. Do you know what I mean? I appreciate that you guys are making efforts, but I am just really scared he will let you down."

"You always say the same thing," I fought back, trying not to sound too aggressive. "It's almost like you're in love with me, and you're being possessive. I don't know why you act the way that you do."

"Well, it doesn't matter," she looked down. "I would just be careful if I were you, that's all."

Her hand brushed against mine, and it felt reassuring. "Thank you."

Her face seemed a lot closer than it was before. I took a deep breath, and just smiled. She approached a bit closer. "I don't want your heart to get broken. Not by him."

"It won't," I laughed awkwardly. 

"You know that I'm here for you," she just smiled and grabbed my hand. "I care about you more than anyone else ever will."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing," she stroked my hand with her fingers, and I felt like something was off. 

"Okay."

The atmosphere in the room had shifted, and even I could sense it. I felt awkward around my best friend for the first time in my life. And as I looked up and saw her gaze burning through me, I didn't know what to say.

"You're so beautiful."

"Not really," I shook my head. "Not right now."

"I can promise you that you are glowing," she smiled. She was the beautiful one. It was a known fact. "I..."

"Hmm?"

"Nevermind. It's not important."

"Please. If you have something to say, say it now," I almost ordered her. My voice cracked as she came nearer.

"Sometimes I feel like I want to kiss you," she whispered. I could feel her breathing on my skin. It felt good, but wrong, somehow. I didn't move one inch as she planted a kiss on my neck. "I can't stand seeing you with Michael."

"We're not even... A thing," I said, closing my eyes and tilting my head back as she was still kissing me. "But Emma, this... This is not right."

"But it feels right," she said, bringing her face closer to mine. Her eyes were glowing, and I wanted to kiss her, too. "I'm here for you. I'll always be there for you, Lee."

"I don't know," her hands were on my hips, and she wasn't stopping there. "Please. No. Stop."

"What?"

"I don't want to do this. Not at all."

"Oh," she pulled back, and looked at her hands.

"I'm pregnant, and... I just quit my job, and there is a lot going on at the moment and I can't... You're my best friend. I don't want to lose that."

She didn't even look back at me. "I don't want you like a best friend anymore, Lee."

"I don't want you as more than a best friend," I quietly replied. "It's this or... It's nothing, Emma. I'm sorry."

She stood up, and grabbed her stuff. "I don't want to be the one to leave, but I'm going to have to."

"Why?" I felt shocked. "What am I without you?"

"I can't be there for you the way you want me to," she just said. 

"That's not fair."

"I know. I'm sorry," she spoke, before reaching for the door.

"That's it? You're leaving because I didn't kiss you?"

She just looked at me, opened the door, and left. Just like that. And as I stood there, completely stunned, I just started crying. I had enough.

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