𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 24

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   I made myself a little more comfortable, in my bed, wishing for sleep to come. But it wouldn't. Michael wasn't home yet, and I wasn't even angry; I knew it was his job, and I sure as hell didn't want to make him feel guilty about doing what he loved. Because, despite what most people thought, I accepted him as he was, and I knew his job was his life, and that he couldn't be without it. I just wanted him to be happy, and although his friends didn't like me, or the way I acted, they just didn't know how I felt towards him.

   I took a deep breath, trying to adjust my position-, but with this big belly, it was getting all too difficult. It was one of those nights when even if you felt as if the world was on your shoulders, you just could not sleep it off, or be more okay with it.

Plus, I was waiting impatiently for Michael to come home, so I could tell him about the appointment, and about how things were going. I wanted to talk to him about the Ashton situation as well, because I didn't want to conceal it anymore. But I wondered what his reaction would be. Ashton was his best friend, his brother, and knowing that he might get upset and that we may get in a fight because of it all made me feel anxious.

  After a while, I heard the door cracking open. When I looked up, I saw Michael entering the room, trying to be quiet.

"I'm awake," I spoke up.

He jumped. "Woah, you scared me, I thought you were asleep. It's midnight."

"I know, it is," I smiled at him. "I was waiting for you to come home."

"I'm sorry it lasted longer than expected, babe."

He finished removing his clothes and approached the bed. I pulled him in towards me, and kissed him. "It's alright."

"Thank you," he whispered in between kisses.

I smiled against his lips and he finally got under the warm blankets, and he came behind me, to wrap his arm around me. He was so close to me, and feeling him here after a day of longing for his presence made me feel instantly better. I took a deep breath, and he did the same, before snuggling his face in the back of my neck. I shivered, his breath tickling me.

"Lee, I wanted to talk to you about something," he finally said, a few minutes later. I caught his hand, and closed my eyes. "About the day Ashton came over to help us paint the room."

"I wanted to talk about that, too," I affirmed, biting my lip.

"You seemed upset after I came back from taking a shower."

"Did he tell you what happened or not at all?"

"Not at all," he answered, as if it was obvious.

I wanted to talk fast, to say everything that had been bothering me for the past week to him rapidly, but calmed down, and held his hand a bit tighter. "He was pretty horrible to me."

"Okay," he just whispered.

"And he thinks I am using the baby to keep you by my side, and I'm not. I feel like he thinks I am a bad influence, or whatever, and that I'm trapping you. I don't want you to think that, and I want you to tell me how you truly feel."

He didn't speak for a few seconds. "I am afraid."

"So am I," I admitted. "Do you feel trapped?"

"Not really, I feel doubtful, but it's normal. I want you to be okay, for the baby to be okay, too, but it all happened so fast, and at the moment, I'm being a bit on edge."

"Is it my fault?" I asked, getting concerned. "You can tell me."

I could feel him shake his head. "It's no one's fault, Lee. I am just a bit lost at the moment. I had to give up my apartment, my friends think I've gone crazy because I am settling down with someone who's expecting our first baby, and they think I am being manipulated, and I don't even know what to think. I don't know what to feel, this is confusing to me."

"I know," I just said, feeling my heart sinking down into the pit of my stomach. "I am so sorry for everything."

"I don't want you to think that I don't love you, please," he explained, his voice more serious than the usual. "But sometimes, the thought of it all gets overwhelming, and I find it hard to breathe. I am sorry I am away from you most of the time. I know you've lost your best friend, and I don't want to see you sad anymore."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked, voice cracking. I thanked God he couldn't see me. "That you don't want to leave me because I'll be miserable without anyone here?"

"It's hard to say something like that," he stated. "It's hard, because I want you to be happy so badly, and to be okay, but I can see that things aren't particularly great at the moment."

"What?" I said, almost shocked. I turned around to lay on my back, and he avoided my gaze. "Are you kidding me?"

"I'm not sure I can give you what you want, I don't know, Lee, I'm so sorry for everything."

"I don't understand," I said, and he let go of my hand. "Please, tell me what's going on."

"I don't even know what's going on."

"Michael," I gasped, feeling the tears coming up. "Don't tell me that, please. I love you. We're in this together."

He didn't move. He stayed still, just like that, and it was ripping my heart into pieces. "I don't know."

"Then, if you don't know," I almost cried out, but tried not to. "Go. I just don't understand why you would feel like that, did you even mean it when you said you loved me? Or have you been concealing your inner feelings for a long, long time?"

"I haven't been concealing my feelings!" he retorted. "I love you, but I'm not who you need, or who you should be with, and you know that, too. We were pulled together by this baby and I'm not even sure that this is the right thing. I don't know if this is real or not."

"You just moved in with me!" I fought back, rubbing my eyes. "We painted the nursery together! Why are you doing this?"

   He didn't reply and simply turned around, our bodies not touching anymore. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to figure out what was going on. I was lost, and his explanations had left me questioning many, many things. I didn't get the point of him telling me that he was lost, when he had been the perfect boyfriend for two months straight. It had gone by too fast. I loved him, and I loved the way he was, but I felt as if he wasn't allowing me to tell him.

There was his typical problem, the one I thought he had fought back from the moment that we had kissed. I had let my walls come down for him, but what could I do if he hadn't been able to love me the right way? I was sure that we both had feelings for each other, and that something strong (other than the baby) was linking us.

   But knowing that he wanted to leave, now, because he felt as if he wasn't enough made my heart shatter into a thousand of pieces. I wanted him to be fine with me, to want me to stay, to be here with me. I had tried my hardest to show him how I felt, and it was as if he had just ignored it. I didn't understand. I didn't wanted to believe that he still was the person he was before; people thought that he was a heart breaker, someone who could never love. I knew that he wasn't like that. It was hurtful, and I couldn't help feeling blue and guilty about it.

   I didn't care about who he used to be. I didn't care about anything else but him. If even he wasn't seeing that I accepted him and that this was real, how could his friends trust the genuine love I was feeling for him? I accepted him as he was. I was afraid that the problem would be me not showing him enough how much he really meant to me. I understood that he thought all of this had gone too fast, but I didn't want him to leave.

I wanted him to stay, not just for the baby, but just for me. He didn't need to change to please me. I probably had told him that I expected a lot, but my vision had changed so much since I had come across his path. What I felt was real, and I knew it, deep in my heart.

   I felt as if he was distancing himself away from me, when all I wanted was for him to let me in, let go, and finally feel that I needed him by my side.

   But for the moment, I breathed deeply, stopped weeping, and fell asleep in the blink of an eye, wondering about tomorrow, and the way he would be with me.

   Oh, God, how much I was hoping he would wake up and know. But odds were, he wouldn't, and this was hurting me more than anything else.

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