𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 17

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   When I had come home from the appointment, around six in the evening, first thing I had done was calling Emma (actually, taking a shower -calling her straight after). Being in my apartment on my own felt strange now; I wanted to be with Michael constantly, but I had no one to talk about this. She didn't understand, or at least, didn't even want to know. I felt sad realising that maybe, she would leave me for good, but I told myself that it was how things went. Even if it hurt like hell.

"So, the baby's fine?" she asked absent-mindedly. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say. I'm not pregnant or anything. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I've been quiet, too."

"You're doing enough. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. I mean, work is going okay. And I've been seeing the girls a lot recently."

Those last words hurt like knives. I sat on my bed in my underwear, hair still damp, wanting to weep a little. "Amy and Meg?"

"Yeah."

"How are they? I haven't heard from them in ages. I miss them," I admitted.

"Well, we just... We just had a night out," she announced. "You know, like we used to do."

"I miss that."

"We would have asked you to come, but..." she looked for her words, and I could hear that she was struggling. "You know what I mean."

I grew angrier. "Because I'm pregnant. So now that's a thing, huh? What is so burdening about having a pregnant friend? You guys are being assholes."

"No, Lee!" she protested. "Don't you dare saying that, I've been with you each step of the way."

"I'm so upset. I don't deserve to be seen differently just because of a mistake I made. It's part of my life, now. I'm still me. I don't see why you guys are refusing to see that. It's unfair."

"I know, Lee, but you need to understand, it's been a shock for them, and for me, too!"

"What about me?" I wailed. "Emma, do you ever think about how I'm feeling? Or are you too self-centred to realise? Being pregnant doesn't define me, okay? Shocking news, getting knocked up doesn't make me a whore, or a bore. I am still the same, why can't people get that? Why am I losing my friends? It's not fucking fair, Em, and you don't seem to give a shit about it! You're just going with the flow! I get that you are upset about the other week, but for God's sake, I need you to be here for me still."

She took a deep breath. "I can't do this, Lee. You're turning into a bitch, and I'm not going to stand and hear you moan anymore."

"You're being horrible. You know this is not the reason you're turning your back on me. You're angry because I chose Michael over you."

"I can't stand you anymore! You are making all the wrong decisions, and expecting people to clean up your mess! I am not going to be there anymore. You're a loser, Lee."

I screamed through the phone. "And you are a fucking bitch! Go fuck yourself, Emma Brett!"

   When I hung up, I felt mixed emotions. Firstly, I was relieved. I had told her what I'd been holding in my chest for so long, the disappointment I had felt when I had noticed she had started distancing herself from me, and the whole... Kissing my neck thing. How long would she make me believe that she didn't care about it all? Of course, she did.

And that was exactly what I was thinking. She was the person I loved the most on this entire planet, but this wasn't enough anymore.

I was getting sick of getting labelled.

   By my boss. By Emma. By Amy and Meg, two adorable girls I thought would be there until the end. How naive had I been; they had left, exactly like I had expected them to. This wasn't a fucking movie. This was the real life, and now, I hated myself for doing such a stupid thing.

    On the other hand, I had met Michael through this crazy, questionably awesome and strange adventure. He understood. Maybe he did because he was forced to, actually, which I had figured out quite quickly. I mean, which twenty-two year old man would be happy to know a complete stranger was expecting a baby from him? I hadn't put myself in his situation enough. I was demanding, mostly hard to please, and I knew that he was trying his hardest. But I hadn't paid enough attention to it until now, and I hated myself for it. Because he was trying, just as hard as I was trying, too.

   I didn't know what his friends thought about it all. I just hoped they hadn't been as narrow-minded as Emma.

   I wanted to call Michael, so badly, but I knew that he was at work, and that he probably just didn't need any more drama in his life. It wasn't his business, it was mine, and mine only.

   I stood up from my bed a few minutes later, ate dinner, and got into bed, alone. I didn't like that feeling anymore. I was used to being lonely, and I had comforted myself in the idea that I wouldn't marry, or fall in love with someone before the age of thirty. I had never known young love, or at least, just infatuation. It wasn't imaginable at the time; I would have to work, and that was all. I couldn't believe how much my thoughts had evolved in such a short span of time; but at the same time, I was feeling sort of proud.

   I mean, wasn't it beautiful? Thinking about someone like that. In that way.

   Under the duvet, I closed my eyes, and his image came to my mind. How lucky had I been to find someone like him, I thought. This wasn't so bad, after all.

I had never thought it could someday be possible to have someone filling your every thought, whose voice echoed in the back of your head.

   He thought I was pretty enough, beautiful. He had wanted to kiss me. He even held my hand, and said things I couldn't forget quite yet. He had gotten through the sarcastic and mean facade; Something that no one ever had the privilege to do before.

I was lucky. So lucky, and although I had seen the pregnancy as a great tragedy, a curse, even, until now, I was starting to see it like a beautiful thing. Unexpected, but beautiful still.

   And that was more than I had ever expected.

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