𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 35

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   When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I did instinctively was to check for anyone's presence by my side. I stretched my arm out to Michael's side, but all I could feel was the void, and the cold fabric of white blankets. I sighed deeply and squeezed my eyes shut, probably knowing what it meant. I didn't want to get up, now, my eyelids seemed too heavy for me to bear, and whenever I opened my eyes, they would shut right back in just a matter of seconds. I felt heavy, as if the whole ocean was lying inside of me now, like I couldn't get up. I snuggled into my sheets and tried to look up at the windows; raindrops spattered all over it made me realise how bad the weather was outside, and I didn't want to go out anymore. But I felt uncomfortable, trying to fall asleep, and this feeling in my stomach (anxiety, most likely) forced me to get up, sit down on the edge of my bed, and let out a deep sigh.

   I grabbed my phone, which was under my pillow. I had fallen asleep with it yesterday, in case Michael called. But when I turned it on and saw that there were no missed calls, it felt as if my heart sunk in my stomach, and I couldn't even cry, or do anything. I just sat there, unable to do anything for a few minutes.

   I knew that I had been needy; probably too clingy, as well. But, oh, my God, how was I supposed to react? I was trying my hardest to do the right thing, and I was always afraid that it might come off as annoying or fully dependent of Michael. I was not. I wasn't necessarily clingy naturally, I wasn't the kind of girl who wouldn't allow her boyfriend to do anything without her. I wanted him to have his freedom, and God, I hated when people thought I was the kind of girlfriend who could drive you crazy. I was pretty sure that was what Ashton thought about me, and I just wanted to scream to his face that, I didn't know how to behave. 

   Was I supposed to let Michael be on his own? I had done this once, and he had slipped through my fingertips. I wanted him to be here, because I was in love with him, first of all. Secondly, because there was the baby. Now, it was realer than ever, and he couldn't act like nothing had ever happened. I trusted him with all I had, but I was truly hurt that he wasn't home yet, and that wasn't because I was clingy, or stupid. That was because I had requested him to be here the time when it mattered the most, and he still hadn't shown himself.

   I knew he had been here all along, that was clear. He had been fantastic to me, and I was sure that he was the most loving person, although he wanted to seem tough in front of his friends, and his fans. I knew the real side of him; and here, I wasn't saying that I knew all of him, that would have been pretty pretentious from me- but I knew what he was worth, and how caring he could be at times. 

I was lucky to have had him by my side, and there wasn't a day that passed without myself thanking God to put him on my way.

   I finally finished getting ready, and slowly came accustomed to the fact that Michael wouldn't be here for the appointment. He was God knew where, in someplace in the United Kingdom, drinking beer, probably. Now, I sort of understood why Amanda had refused for Ashton to go. Smart decision.

•••

"Hello, miss Mann," the doctor said. "Lee, sorry. I always forget you don't like being called like that."

"It's fine," I nodded, entering his little office. "I do have a weird name."

"You're alone," he noticed. "Where's Michael?"

Fuck you, for making me remember he didn't make it, I wanted to say, to scream out loud, even. But instead, I shrugged. "At work."

"Alrighty then, you can sit here," he showed me the seat. "And we're going to discuss about it all a little bit. Due soon, eh? Two weeks."

"That is very close," I smiled.

"Did you get the mail I sent you about the baby milk types? Do you want to breast feed? I have to write it down, also I'll be informing you on your own health and this baby blues situation after the baby is born."

"I didn't get it," I shook my head, staring down at the paper that now was under my nose. "And I don't want to breastfeed, so I hope that they will explain it all to me at the hospital. I'm kind of nervous."

"Of course you are," he adjusted his glasses on his nose. "But I'll be here, very kind nurses will be here, you'll see; it will be okay."

"I hope it will," I sighed. "But it'll be all worth it in the end?"

"It will, trust me," he smiled. "You'll do a fantastic job."

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