Goofy Tells

Just Me Talking: What's Pappen

Hey Royalz.

So it's Thursday night. 3 weeks before finals. Homework to be done. Book to write. Presentation to be made. Emails to send and yet I can not get away from thinking of my recent mental struggle. I haven't written a lot since January-- well, anything besides Daddy's Little Girls. ( It's a new name, it's a secret though.) So, I decided to write to my void because you never know who is listening and who is going through the same thing.

Jumping in. 3 facts I have noticed in the last 10 months.

I do not want kids.

I may be afraid of romantic relationships.

Junior Year may just be the reason I die.

So, yeah I don't want kids. I realized this because one I have a recently turned 4-year-old brother who is 13 years my junior. Let's just say I have lost any kids fever I have ever had. But, I have realized I have never really had any, I mean I am a girl who society has indoctrinated me to believe I am to get married and have kids. So, I used to have a little Annabelle doll and used to put a pillow under my shirt. Guys, I used to like...I would think of kids names or have that conversation with them-- completely hypothetical, of course. But, I have never had the desire to want kids. Now, it's not that I do not like them, in fact, my heart for kids is bigger than this world. I can't stand seeing them in distress or hurt. They are so innocent. I would do anything for a child. But, this world is so crazy and dangerous. I can't bring a child into this world knowing I can't protect them and I can't prevent them from all the negative things in life. That would...cause so much pressure on me and it just wouldn't be something I wished for. I think for right now, at the most I would foster children. Because I have that big heart I fell like I would be just the greatest teacher and safety net. I wanna be a home for that child. So, maybe I will never have children by birth but maybe just a bunch of soulchilds. I like that. My soulchild.

Anywayyy...

Onto this, so as many of you know I am forver single and loving it. I mean who doesn't like being single?! Now, I am not asexual, honey. I love me some men and maybe even some women. (insert laugh emojis) Just kidding, I am straight just a little bi-curious. Side note, sadly I don't know if I can be in an actual relationship with a female because well...females can get on my nerve. #guyfriends #onlygirlinthesquad BUT, women are just so attractive! Like I am attracted to myself. Like, GODDDD!

OK, back on topic but lately I have been battling this notion of believing I am not cut out for relationships. I always thought I would get married and be in love and all that but man they older I get the more I am just becoming more complex. Like why can I not be a basic woman, like everyone else? Why do I have to be extraordinary? I don't know Royalz. After my first love, I have really just been happy to do me and I see myself being this way at least all of my twenties. I see a guy here and a guy there but never nothing permanent. Maybe I was right when I was really depressed when I said I was meant to be alone because...MY GOD! Honestly, guys, I do not know. I am already such an independent person and I think I already experienced that love and now I am past it. My first love and I are past it and now I really just think that it's my time to just shine and do my own thing. Go to school. Get my degree. Do what I love. Make a living for me. I mean, my mom was eighteen when she had me and dad was like twenty-two so they both had to kind of mature into adulthood together and I feel like maybe they never had time to develop their individual selves instead they had to find themselves in each other or "them". And, I don't think I want to do that. I want to be my own person. I sound crazy but I don't crave it like I did. I am being honest when I say I received a lot from my first love and I am thankful for that person. My peers crave that love but I already had it so I don't need it. I just wanna be cool. (laughing emojis) The positive vibes and energies that make you feel love...I get that from my friends and family relationships and my work and fulfilling my purpose. And right now....right now that's enough. I just feel guilty because I have someone who cares about me and admires me and adores me but I strictly want to be friends...at least for now. I don't even look into my future to find that so, I think he expects that and wants this never-ending love and never-ending romantic relationship that I can't promise. So, do I tell him that or do I just accept it and live knowing my truth? I do not want to hurt him. But, I also don't want to lead him on. I can't even handle this how can I handle relationships?

Finally,

Aye bruh. If they tell you junior year is a breeze THEY LYING AND THEY SHALL BE STRICKEN BY ZEUS LIGHTNING BOLTS. I am not with this. Advanced classes, scholarships, homework, two jobs, still broke, publishing a book, confidence, booty meat. Like what is this life?!

So, I am opening a poll should I be a:

A bartender An all female gang leader A stripper

Because this, whole going to school and being productive thing ain't working out.

Hey Royalz. Thanks for reading please comment, like and tell me how you feel. What should be my future career? DROPPING MAY 5th MY BEST FRIEND IS DROPPING HER SECOND PUBLISHED BOOK FROM WATTPAD NAMED 'SOMETHING DIFFERENT'. FIND IT EVERYWHERE.