rupture - l.s.

chapter 16

Does it feel that way when you realize you've made a huge mistake?

Do you notice this sting in your heart and this incredible headache, because first of all, you think too much and also mourn over just...everything?

If so, then I made a huge mistake. My guilt is following me and I can't get rid of it. No matter what I do.

I should not have beaten Louis and I should not have shouted at him like that.

What I saw in his eyes this afternoon was not hate or any negative feeling, which I would normally feel when I see someone who is not well-disposed to me. No, it was this look that I know from back then.

Back then, when Louis showed his fragile side to me and I knew his weaknesses. It was this look that said, "No, please do not do this to me right now ...".

But I did it to him.

And only now do I realize how much he still means to me - after all that happened.

It hurt me to see him like this. And I think about it every time I lie in my bed at night and turn off the lights.

It haunts me and I have to get rid of it or I'm going to loose my mind.

The kiss I have been shoving out of my mind so far as possible, as it would only confuse me even more. And I hope I can keep doing that for a while.

.

I saw him today. With her.

And I think I screwed it up completely. Because now not a single look on his behalf is  on me anymore. He really avoids eye contact with me - more than ever.

Mostly, we did that sort of thing when we argued about small things and held small contests in our relationship back then, to see how long we can ignore each other. The winner was then allowed to choose which movie we will see next weekend and eat all the ice cream. 

He always gave his ice to me anyway, although sometimes he was very happy to win.

After all, his fond look used to always lay on me and I was busy enjoying the cold food.

Most of the time it ended with a worried Louis, who had to rub my stomach, because I got pain from the cold.

Funny. I'm starting to miss him.

Or do I just miss the picture of him that I put together in my mind?

Was he perhaps never the one who I thought he is?

.

"It's your turn!", He laughs and I calm down from my laughing fit. He hands me his laptop so I can pick out my favorite cat video.

Yes, that's what 13 year olds do in their free time. Just lie on the bed and watch cat videos on YouTube on dad's laptop.

I quickly type around the keyboard and hit Enter. He already sees all the thumbnails of the videos that are displayed and probably makes mental notes, which ones he wants to look at privately again. And then I click on a very special one.

My favorite video.

The cat is just about to turn on another cat when its owner throws a piece of fish in the middle. And instead of eyeing it and eating right away, both cats jump at least 2 meters away in the same second. They meow loudly and I only hear how Louis snorts loudly next to me and then laughs too.

 A big smile is on my lips.

He looks at me with sparkling eyes, still a wide smile on his lips. His blue eyes stare into mine and I think I've never felt so warm and tingly inside before.

But it is a pleasant heat. One that does me well and makes me feel secure. Strangely enough, I only feel it when I'm with Louis.

I wish it could stay that way forever ...