Faith Heights

Chapter 39

Lucas entered the library, in a white T-shirt and a grey button-down tossed over it. It hung open down his front, leaving the fitted tee to show off the earned muscles beneath. His dark jeans were faded and worn, as if he'd trekked cross-country in them, despite owning a pair of wings. It wasn't the kind of outfit I might have imagined an esteemed immortal wearing, but I doubted Lucas would have cared if his clothes costed ten dollars or ten hundred. 

When Lucas approached our table, Jackson looked up at him as if the sun had decided to visit earth.

"Is this a bad time?" Lucas worried.

Jackson answered before I could say anything. "We were just packing up."

Lucas turned to me. "Would you mind taking a walk with me?"

I paused, which earned me a strange glance from Jackson. "Sure."

I quickly packed up the rest of my things and walked with him from the library. We headed through a hall scattered with bodies, and exited the front of the building. Lucas offered to carry my bag twice, but I insisted I was fine with the extra weight. 

We walked out across the front of the campus, my bag jostling over my shoulder between us. As beautiful as it was, I was growing tired of seeing the same afternoon sun shadow the building like a gothic cage. The lawn was always the same cropped, perfect length, although I'd never seen anyone tend to it. Soft fog drifted from the darkening forestry toward the school, although it never quite reached its mark.

Lucas took in the view with wide, appreciative eyes, but I couldn't stop glancing at the reverential expressions of those around us. 

After a few more minutes, I couldn't take anymore. "Do you mind if we go somewhere a little more discreet?" I asked, too sharply.

"Yeah, sure." He said gently. "Are you ok?"

I threw my hands up. "Why is everyone asking me that today? Yes, I'm fine."

Lucas instantly looked contrite. "Sorry. I've just noticed that you've been acting a little jumpy lately. You know if there's anything wrong, you can talk to me about it."

"I know." I managed to wave off his worries.

I knew I had no reason to take out my frustration on Lucas. It wasn't his fault that my powers were malfunctioning, and that I was having doubts about the mechanics of my soul.

We walked towards the section of forest furthest from the parking lot, and found a small alcove between two thick trees, just out of sight of the school. The second the last curious face disappeared behind the green veil, I was able to let out a long breath. Lucas seemed more at ease too, and I couldn't imagine how he must feel to have that attention constantly surrounding him. It was very clear that he enjoyed the looks about as much as I did, yet he never complained.

We sat and spoke for a while, but the talking was mostly on my behalf, despite my best attempts to shift that. Lucas began asking a wide range of questions, and I felt myself both annoyed and amused by his ardent attempts to keep the focus so incessantly on me.

"How did your parents feel about you leaving for boarding school?" He asked, tilting his head.

We sat close together, curled against a large mossy trunk. Occasionally he'd reach out and touch my hand, or brush a strand of hair behind my ear. I should have enjoyed his affection, his doting brown eyes. But instead I found the closeness irritating, as if he felt that it was his right. I knew I was overreacting; if it was Nick touching me, I knew I'd be pressing for more, rather than shrugging away from the gentle fingers.

I answered, "They were excited. They knew it would help me get where I wanted. I was a little nervous to leave them alone at first, though. I'm used to taking care of them."

"Why?"

I fiddled with my hair for a minute. It was hard to put into words. "That's just the way it had to be."

He clearly didn't want to accept my clipped words, but moved on, thankfully. "What about your friends back in Griffith? Do you miss them?"

"Yes- a lot. But it's hard to stay in contact." I admitted. "I can't talk to them without lying about this place, and I'm the world's worst liar."

Lucas smiled gently. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

I shrugged. "It would definitely make things easier if I could manage a poker face every once in a while."

He didn't seem so sure, but kept going. He asked what I wanted as a career, what my hobbies were, which movies and books were my favourite. He answered a few questions too, but I quickly realised that I would have to keep them light if I wanted straight answers. Interests, likes and dislikes, trivial tales from his past, nothing definitive to his character. I dared to ask about our past and my other lives, but again he was frustratingly vague.

Diverting the attention back to me, he posed, "Has your individual training begun yet?"

I averted my eyes. "Yes, I had my first session with Lydia yesterday." Before he could question how it went, I asked, "Have I demonstrated my powers in many past lives?"

He cleared his throat. "No, I don't think I've ever personally seen you use them since your first life."

"How is that possible?" I asked, disbelievingly. "Why didn't you teach me in past lives?" 

I understood that I wouldn't have stumbled upon the power on my own, but why hadn't he helped me through it? If my soul hadn't even noticed its supernatural hue for centuries, then why was it still reincarnating as if I was this great, magical leader?

"I told you. I haven't found you in that many past lives."

I sighed. His answers were unmistakeable half-truths. Things weren't adding up, but I was unable to ask Lucas about them and expect a direct answer.

Still, as we spoke, small-talk and stilted teasing, I realised with a jolt that he was all but a male version of myself. Sure, the fine details were different. He didn't have every spare inch of a calendar covered in scrawled plans and dates he wanted to have school books read by. He had angelic duties, while I was still learning the difference between mitosis and meiosis. But unless he was somehow faking the answers to appeal to me, we were almost identical in our ideals.

When he deemed the interrogation over, he walked me back to my dorm. I started to leave when he surprised me by gently turning my shoulder, carefully leaning in. My body refused to move, as if in shock. Lucas must have taken that as a good sign.

His lips grazed gently against mine, and I felt a hand go to the back of my neck for a support that I now desperately needed. I froze, unsure how to react.

When he realised I wasn't kissing him back, he pulled away, frowning.

"Lila, what's wrong?" When I didn't answer, he shook his head. "I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast. I thought-"

"No, it's ok. You just caught me by surprise." I stuttered. A few seconds passed before I was shaking my head, feeling traitorous tears stinging my eyes. "No- it's not ok. I can't... I can't do this. Not anymore."

"Can't do what?" His honey eyes turned frantic as they searched my features. His expression broke my heart- but I couldn't keep leading him on when my heart simply wasn't with him, as hard as I'd tried to change that. It wasn't fair to either of us.

"Any of it. I can't be the soulmate you were hoping for. And pretending like I can will just put us both through more pain." I said hurriedly. "I have to go. I'm sorry." So, so sorry.

I spun back towards my dorm when he grabbed my arm, sorrow marring his face. "Lila, no matter what happens, I love you. Alright? I love you with everything I am. You know that, right? You'll remember it?" 

His shift in expression puzzled me. He looked apologetic- but for what? What did he have to be sorry for? I was the one ruining my own fate. An angelic Prince Charming was basically laying his heart out on a platter for me, and I was tearing it in two.

I turned away towards the door, knowing that if I said anything else, it would only hurt him more.