needed you.

What Did You Do to Me?

After what happend, I was never able to feel healthy. I'm constantly having headaches, heart aches, and collapsing when I'm not focusing on something. There's also hallucinations. Hallucinations of Deidara smiling, crying, dying, in pain, or just dead. Everytime I think about him the pain just gets worse. I have a feeling someone attacked me with some kind of poison, but the same time I feel like it's just myself, or maybe just him. Did he do something on the verge of disappearing to the afterworld again. I don't understand this, is this a punishment? For falling in love with someone else and not completely focusing? I feel like this is going to affect me in battle. This isn't good. This needs to stop.

Is it because I wanted to go back to that state with the bright room and Deidara? It's probably that. My body probably has such a urge so it gets itself into the condition to get back to that state. I need to stop this. I need to stop feeling this way. I want this to stop. He's long gone, I should forget about him. But I can't. I just can't. The image of his crying face and the sound of his broken voice saying the nickname is stuck in my head. I can forget about it for a few minutes or seconds, but after the short period of time, the thought just runs through my head and it's extremely hard for it to get out of my mind. Sometimes I just fall and can't get up and start screaming and crying, then flashbacks just run through my mind quickly and I become weak. Later on I would have a painful headache or heartache, and I end up not thinking properly. I still want to go back to that state, I can't stop wanting to. I want to see him again and finish my sentence and hug him tight and apologize for all I've done. But I can't. He probably did something to get me to the bright room, and even if I try myself, and try really hard, I'll either just have a blackout or die. I can't die. Not now. After I accomplished I can't kill my self just trying something. That's stupid.

I hope he's waiting for me there. I hope it's just that he wants to see me in person. I hope he actually loves and we care about me as much as I do for him. I want to ask many questions. I want to make him smile. I don't want to make him cry. I hated the fact that the first time we made eye contact in a long time, he was crying, tears of sadness. I want to see tears of happiness from him when I see him again. I don't want him to cry tears of sadness, especially if I'm in his motive for him to cry. I want to see him happy. Happy because of me, because I'm there for him.

I wish he was still alive. I want to protect him and fight by his side. But I never did. He's usually the one protecting me and I could never do anything for him, just because I had to hide myself. Just because I had to hide my abilities. I feel so stupid. I was supposed to help him out when he needed help, but no, when he needed help, I ran away. I ran away like an idiot and look at the result. He's dead. He's revived. He dies again. He comes into my mind, and breaks it. I can't act like a normal human anymore. I don't I even function as a normal human anymore. I'm Obito Uchiha. A kid that wishes to be Hokage, was madly in love with a girl, supposedly died years ago by being crushed by a rock during a war, saved by a dangerous man and odd black and white things, reformed the Akatsuki, played as one of the odd thing, fall in love with one of the members of the Akatsuki, let that loved one die, played around as the one who saved me even though he's dead, and now mentally unstable. Why did it have to be me who lived this life? Why couldn't I just die? Why did Madara save me? I hate this life, but I can't throw it away. I just can't.

Help me.