something new

I heart her

( Nayas POV ) 

BEEEP.  

- Hello, This is Naya, I 'm sorry I can't pick up the phone right now but please leave I message and I'll call you back. Bye! 

-Hey it's me again. I just want to make sure that everything's okay. I haven't heard from you in awhile and I guess I'm just worried. Anyways please call me back. Love you. 

I look over on the phone. How am I supposed to ever be able to talk to her again. I fucked up. I kissed her. Oh my god, I really kissed her. And it felt so good. But in the meantime so wrong. I haven't talked to her since I left from set. But I've got thousands of messages from both her and some of the crew and cast. I'm so ashamed, why did I leave. That just made everything 10 times worse. I should've stayed and just fight through it. Gosh I'm so weak. Suddenly the door bell rings and I feel how my stomach literally twists. I close my eyes and swallow the nervous lump in my throat. I get out of bed and slowly walks towards the door. Completely terrified. I feel how my legs literally are shaking. Just the idea of it will be her behind that door makes me feel like I'm gonna throw up. My hand are shaking too as I carefully place it on the door handle. I take a deep terrified breath before I slowly opens the door. I feel the lump in my stomach completely disappears when I suddenly realise who's behind the door.  

'' Kevin! Hey, what are you doing here? '' 

I let him in when I'm at the same time starts getting a bit nervous. What could he want? I hold the door open for him and he walks in with a serious but worried look on his face. 

''  Hey, uhm I  was in the neighborhood. '' 

I feel the awkwardness between us getting bigger and bigger.  I know that he's gonna ask me about what happened and I've honestly no idea what I'm gonna say to him. 

'' Okay, uhm do you want something to drink or? '' 

'' Yeah, thanks I glass of water would be nice. Do you think maybe we can sit down? ''

I give him a nod as I start getting ready a glass of water to him. Here it comes. I can't hide anymore. We walk towards the couch and sit down next to each other and  I give him his water. I can't ignore how he's looking at me with this strange look on his face. But can I blame him, I probably would have done the same thing. 

'' Naya, do you wanna tell me what's going on? ''  

With the look on his face I know that he's expecting an answer.  But I'm just completely speechless. I do my best to not make eye contact with him because I know if I do, I'll loose it. 

'' Uhm.. I just.. I haven't been feeling like myself lately. And I keep thinking that something is wrong with me. I just... I have all of these feelings inside that I keep having hidden and I just want to let them all out but i feel scared - 

Suddenly I just hear how all the words are coming to me. And without thinking about it I just keep talking, not being able to stop. It just keeps going. 

- i'm scared that if people founds out they'll never be able to look at me the same. I've come so far and I don't want to throw it all away because of some ridiculous feelings inside of me.  And I just walk around so scared and confused. Scared that if I say the wrong words everyone will find out. Scared that if I actually say it out loud my whole world is gonna change. And I don't want that. I just want things to stop. But now it has just got worse. We kissed and now that's all I can think about. ''

Suddenly I can just feel the tears burn inside my eyes. I take a deep breath as I try to look away. Just please say something. Anything. 

'' Naya.. What are you saying? '' 

He moves closer to me and places his hand on mine. I start to wonder if I actually should tell him. I mean we tell each other everything. He's my best friend. I look into his eyes and I can at the same time feel the pain in my heart. 

'' I... I love her. I think.... uhm, I think I've fallen in love with Heather. And that just scares the shit out of me. '' 

Kevin looks at me chocked, he starts to wipe some tears away from my burned cheeks. 

'' I love her.. '' 

I say again this time a bit quieter, almost in a whisper. Kevin nods and wipes away a strand of hair behind my ear.

'' Yeah.. I know. ''