Requiem for a Soldier (Requiem #1)

Chapter 14: Vulnerable

April 12

Ryan

When she emerges from the bedroom the next morning, I'm wearing the mask again. I'm going to pretend like nothing happened last night and hope she doesn't mention it. We didn't talk about her nightmares. Maybe she won't mention what happened after mine.

The plan works at first. She doesn't say anything during breakfast. Afterward, she remains at the table with her Glock, but it doesn't sound like she's very focused on it. The sounds from the gun are slow and there are often long pauses between sounds. I'm not doing much better, still staring at the same page I opened to after finishing my bowl of cereal. Eventually, I hear the sound of the gun being placed on the table and her chair moving. I feel sweat prickle between my shoulder blades.

I continue to stare at the book even as I see her approach in my periphery.

"You don't have to keep wearing that," she says.

I don't move, don't look up, and pretend I've not heard her.

She sighs and sits next to my left on the couch, facing me. "Look, I understand if you still want to wear it. I'm just saying you don't have to anymore."

I continue the charade that I'm deaf.

"I've seen your face," she continues. "And it's really not that bad."

The rational parts of my brain realize that she meant the comment to be comforting, or encouraging. It falls on deaf ears, though. My face cost me my life, my family, and my fiancée. But worse than that, it's a very prominent reminder that I failed my friends. That I failed Jeremy. Her comment seems to marginalize the suffering I've been subjected to for the past five years.

It's really not that bad.

Anger rises in my chest. Last night when she saw my face, it was very dark in the cabin. I doubt she got a good glimpse of me. I glance up at her in spite of myself. My gaze catches on her large brown eyes. Her expression is soft, caring, and concerned. I can feel the fight in me abating. I quickly look away from her face to preserve it.

If I let her see me, will she react like Saph did? Will she see the face of a hero, like she claimed last night, or will she see the broken man who couldn't save anyone he cared about?

I bite down on the inside of my cheek as my temper begins to flare again. I don't want her or anyone to see my face. I don't even want to see my own face. But my anger tells me to tear the mask off and show her, scare her away, and regain the modicum of peace I'd found before she came here.

I settle for the middle ground. Grabbing the top of the ski mask, I slowly pull it off of my head. Since she's sitting on my left side, she won't be able to see my burns unless I turn toward her. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her look up from the book she started reading while I was stalling. I toss the mask across the room, where it bounces noiselessly off the wall and lands in a heap on the floor. I turn away from her and hear her shift as she returns to her book.

Now that I've jumped off the cliff, I find myself clinging the ledge. We sit there like that for several tense minutes. She doesn't look at me and I don't look at her. Somehow, this is worse. Apprehension builds inside me as I wait for the inevitable moment, still too afraid to bite the bullet and get it over with. Unable to stand the tension any longer, I slam the book closed and stare down at the couch cushion between us, gritting my teeth. If she looks up, she can see my full face now.

I try to block out the anxiety with anger. When I look up at her face, I fully expect to see horror. If I'm about to experience rejection at the hands of Ana, I'm going to do it head-on. I'm prepared for it this time.