Bloody Fingers, Broken Mind

L O V E R

TRIGGER WARNING: contains content of abuse, drug use, and sexual assault.

I used to greet the bright morning sunlight with a grin.
For I knew you were lying next to me when I woke.
But now it just feels like a sin.

I used to enjoy making breakfast those slow mornings.
You would hug my waist from behind tightly.
But now the feeling just stings.

I used to love showering with you at night.
The steaming water fueling our heated kisses.
But now it just doesn't feel right.

All these little things I once adored so greatly in my heart.
But now I fear them all.
I wish nothing more than for us to be apart.

I can't voice my thoughts anymore.
I just have to sit silent and still.
Just wait and watch the glasses of liquor you pour.

I wonder when it will be enough.
I hope and pray you'll stop.
But your grip remains rough.

Your eyes glaze over with drunken lust.
Your hand grips my throat and bruises my skin.
But it's not the bruises that hurt—it's my broken trust.

I loved you with all my heart—and foolishly still do.
I never thought you could grow so cold hearted.
We made each other a promise and I thought I knew.

The words you ushered out that night were all lies.
The apologies you keep repeating aren't meant.
Because if they were,
then the neighbors wouldn't report my loud cries.

I've grown to tolerate the questions and concern.
I've learned it's my life now.
If anything, I've grown to enjoy the cigarettes pressed against my skin and the searing burn.

I find all of this better than you ignoring my pleads to stop.
This pain is better
than the pain when
you use my body.
Each time just causing my heart to drop.

Every time you apologize after it's said and done.
But all I can do and numbly lie there while you stroke my hair.
All I want to do is run.

I just want to run and never come back.
I want to protect him.
Even if leaving you will make my heart crack.

You were all I ever had.
Until now that is.
Now I have this growing
child in my womb, and he's more than you being a dad.

I'd be damned to hell before I let you hurt our son.
You already made sure to kill our unborn daughter.
I have to escape and keep this one.

I at least owe that much for being so dumb.
For letting this go on for so long.
For letting myself grow so numb.

So I don't regret it when I don't stop you from taking that last pill.
I knew you'd gone way past your limit.
But that's better than letting more blood spill.

Blue and red lights shine through the windows.
Tears roll down my cheeks, but they are not of sadness.
I can finally welcome my heroes.

I can raise my son and not worry about him growing up to be like you.
I will teach him to treat women right.
I can finally enjoy the morning coffee I missed to brew.

I can actually be happy without you.