Bloody Fingers, Broken Mind

T A L K

TRIGGER WARNING: contains sensitive content of self harm and depression.

"Why is it that every time I close my eyes I see you?"

"Because I live in your head, darling."

"Yeah, but you're real.. I don't understand."

"Of course you don't. And I am real. I'm very real. But that doesn't mean I'm not imaginary either."

"That.. that doesn't make sense—"

"Open your eyes and maybe it will make more sense."

"But I see you when I open my eyes too."

"Can you think of why?"

"...no."

"Because I am a part of you. I am you. All of you. I'm in your head, in your dreams, in your soul, and in the blood that leaks from your wrists as you drag the beautiful blade glinting with your bathroom light along your precious skin. I'm the tears that roll down your cheeks as you stare at yourself in the mirror with disgust. I'm the constant voice lingering in the back of your mind telling you nothing is worth it, telling you you're not enough, reminding you that you will never be enough."

"But why?"

"Because that's how I work. That's how this goes. Even though your synthetic fog filled lungs are still expanding and deflating with clean oxygen, I still make it feel as if you are drowning. I still pollute your soul just as your cigarette smoke pollutes your body."

"Why can't you just let me be happy?"

"Oh, you should know the answer to that one, darling."

"And if I don't?"

"Then I guess I'll just have to give you another reminder. A reminder of how you can never be happy. Not truly. You can have little smiles, get amused and laugh from small jokes—but those smiles will never reach the corners of your eyes or strain your cheeks until they hurt. Those laughs will never be genuine and full of light. Your thoughts will always taint any good time you even think you're having. All thanks to me. You're welcome."

"I'm not going to thank you for that. You're ruining my life."

"Perhaps. But you're also ruining your own life. You know why? Because you want me to stay. You want me around. I'm not just a diagnosis. I'm not just a disorder, I'm more. I am what keeps you up at night, I am what makes you think every little laugh around you is directed at you, I am what causes you to skip all those uncountable meals, I am what keeps you trapped. But you know what? All those drugs, therapy sessions, morning walks, drawing, and screaming into nothing won't get rid of me, and you know that."

"Just leave me alone! I want to be happy! I want to finally look at myself in the mirror and not feel like I have to change every little thing I see. I want to hear a group of people laugh and not assume they're laughing at me. I want to sit comfortably next to a stranger without feeling unease. I want to be able sleep without such horrible thoughts of killing myself every night. I want to fall in love with someone and not worry about them breaking my heart or hating me. I want my family to be able to know me again. I just want to be free again. I just want to be me again..."

"And you really think I care? All of this is just in your head. You're just crushing yourself with this. I care nothing about you. I want you to die. I would love to see the moment where you take your final breath on your death bed due to your own hands. That's the fate you deserve. You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. You're hideous."

"You're just trying to get to me like you always do, but I'm not going to listen to you. I'm not giving in."

"Oh trust me, you'll give in eventually. I'm all you've got. I'm caging you, and guess who has the key? Me."

"You're wrong..I am the key to my own happiness. I know that."

"Aw, look at who's been reading inspirational quotes again. How cute."

"Be quiet. Just be quiet for once."

"You really still haven't realized? It's you that needs to be quiet. This is all you after all. I'm just your disorder. This is all in your head. But don't forget, depression is very real, and it's not just something you can run away from, no matter how hard you try. I will suffocate you until you no longer wish to breathe, and you'll grow to accept that. Now close your eyes and try one last pointless time to sleep."