Bloody Fingers, Broken Mind

V E N T

It's been a while.

It feels like it's been.. so long.

When it really hasn't.

I'm referring to at least maybe 3 things when I say this.

1. So long, but not so long, since I've lost you.

2. Since I've had the desire to write like this.

3. Since I was happy (ish).

...this isn't really going to be a poem.

Well, not a poem like my other ones in this series.

This is more of a vent. A rant, if you will.

Just letting my raw emotions and thoughts pour out onto this virtual page in hopes of some closure.

So, is that a poem?

Can't poetry be determined by its own style and meaning? Not necessarily an aesthetic or a rhyme scheme?

I think so.

Then again, what do I know?

I feel like with all this knowledge I've gained and maturity I've grown into, I still am clueless in life. I feel like my meaning will never be known. Like I'm searching for something with my eyes closed and just hoping for the best.

I stare up into the sky or into the mirror and try to see you or some sort of answer.

An answer to what exactly, I'm not sure.

Maybe to anything.

I'm just tired of wondering why.

Why were you taken from me?

Why did this or that happen to me?

Why do I feel this way?

Asking why is honestly so exhausting. Yet I keep asking myself it.

I think, when I can't come up with an answer, I instead come up with an excuse. Like when I can't be given an answer to something such as why do I feel a certain way, I give the excuse of being young and unstable.

When I have those random moments of crying in the shower, I tell myself I was just stressed or overwhelmed. All the little things built up.

These excuses feel demeaning. As if my feelings are just excuses and not valid reasons or answers.

Then again, what do I even feel?

One of the 3 things was that I felt happier. But do I? Am I just writing this out of a mood swing, or a depressive low? I don't really think so. I'm actually in a pretty good mood at the moment.

So what is it then?

Why do I all of the sudden have the urge to write like this again?

It's things like that I want answers to. I always want an answer to everything. I can't really ever just accept something for how it is. I need to know it all.

That trait can be a good thing, but it can also be a very bad thing. A toxic and exhausting thing.

But anyway.. I guess one last big point I wanted to put is that I'm kind of on a tightrope with my emotions. I have to have trust in myself with balancing them, and I have to have trust in the rope of life not to shake or give out on me.

So how do I really feel when I don't trust either?

Saying that, now I kind of realize why some things are better left unanswered.