Magic and Gold

13: Alone

In my haze, I failed to remember that this was my home. In my mind, home was more of a feeling, a concept, than a real place. This castle was defiled and scary, so home felt like anywhere but here. We slipped into side hallways, doing our best to avoid any loud crashes of noise.

I could tell Blade was itching to fight. His hand kept clenching and unclenching, and his eyes were constantly moving. Looking for something, like a fight or a person who stood in our way. We did not run into anyone at all. The hallways were eerily empty, and I tried not to think too hard about what that showed. I was surprised that Blade did not take off and go join a fight. Instead, he stayed at my side, occasionally guiding my disoriented self with a touch at the small of my back. "This way," he would whisper.

We left through the front gate, which I never went through. Always, I went through the servants' exit or the back gate. The front was beautiful, but I quickly scurried across the ancient drawbridge that had been lowered over a moat white as snow. I barely paid attention to the beautiful flowers or the metalwork surrounding me.

Finally, we were out. At any second, I expected him to bolt. We walked out into the streets and rain began to sprinkle down softly. My cloak stuck to my head and I pulled it close. There was not much use, seeing as the rain was already soaking through my hood, and there were no people around anyways. It helped, fiddling with my hair, my hood, my gloves. I needed a distraction, and so I began to hum. Humming turned to singing against the pittering of rain on rooftops high above and the paved stones under my feet. A nursery rhyme I had heard as a child, mostly in disuse because of its slightly ominous nature.

"When the wolves howl in the night
When the shadows dance in soft moonlight
Dreams go inside and they bar up their doors
Waiting for the savior of lores.

Saving the souls of the darkened town
When the sun goes down
Only the shadows and he are around
With voices of grim, hollow sounds.

When the wolves howl in the night
When the shadows dance in soft moonlight
Dreams go inside and they bar up their doors
Waiting for the savior of lores.

The Knight finally came in a chariot of gold
Warmth vanquished the dark and the cold
But the moon rose up and the sun fell away
Darkness reigned for all coming days.

The knight took off his steeled cap
And the valiant savior never came back
Under has mask of hard forged steel
Was the king of all demons, the trickster revealed."

I sung softly to myself. There was no one here. Well, Blade was here, but I knew him. For me, this calmed me slightly. The only way to keep from breaking was in the little things. It felt fitting, singing while walking away from my doom, through dark and rainy streets.

"Are you okay? Why are you singing?" Blade asked when I finished. His hood was also plastered to his head.

"Singing is calming. But I haven't sang that song in years. I liked it when I was a kid, but I never quite understood it." I shrugged softly.

"I've never heard it before. It's...interesting," he said.

"It's a nursery rhyme, albeit a dark one. I'm generally an optimist." I managed a small smile for show.

"I believe you on that. What I don't believe is that you're so upset just because of compassion. It doesn't make sense, how upset you are. You've worked on hard missions before." He stepped closer to me and I stopped in the middle of the road. There was nothing around. No one wanted to be out in the rain except us.

"Never this hard. You don't know me. I'm a compassionate person."

"But I don't think you are. No offense. We've worked together for two years, and I've never seen you this upset. You're always determined, and you do what needs to be done. That's a part of why you're so important to them. I bet that's how you came to be in the Magia."

I shook my head. "We haven't worked together much. I don't know you. You don't know me. You're wrong about me. Even about what brought me here. Coincidence brought me to Magia. I happened to be at the right place at the right time, with some magic to spare. I was a child, too young to understand what I was getting into. It was completely luck."

He looked serious when he said, "You know that's not true. I do know you. And you know who I am. I'm Blade, and we drive each other crazy. I insult you and you spit some witty insult back at me. I hate you and yet I feel amused, at the very least, every time you call me a jack*ss. We fight all the time, but I think you're warming up to me. Because you're not an idiot. You're actually really talented, and smart enough that I think you need to stay on the team. Don't retire. And also, I'm pretty cool, so you've gotta like me at least a little."

"I hate you," I said softly, shaking my head.

He smiled at me. It was weird, seeing his face in a smile. "What was that? The rain's loud, I can't hear." He leaned closer to hear what I had to say.

In the past, Blade had been a pillar of anger, at least around me. He was always scowling or snarling. And now that he was finally smiling... I realized I liked it.

"I said..." I trailed off before I pulled him in and kissed him. His mask made kissing more complicated than it had to be, so I pushed it up a little before leaning against him. His strong arms went around my waist, and his lips were warm against mine in the middle of a freezing rain. He was the warmth I needed, facing this impenetrable darkness.

I kissed him and he kissed me back for a moment when the world was perfect.

Then, suddenly, he pulled away from me, straightening his mask. "Oh," he murmured quietly, stepping a couple of steps back from me. What did I do wrong? It was too fast. That had to be it. I jumped to conclusions about what he wanted. My cheeks flushed a deep red.

"You're...distraught, Scrap. I just wanted you to stay with the team," he said quietly.

Or maybe he did not like me at all. He truly hated me. Did I really think he could like someone like me? Mean and scathing and teasing? I was mortified. "I'm really sorry." I turned my body away from him to mask my embarrassment. "I think I read some things wrong."

I felt a light pressure on my shoulder. "I think I've been sending some mixed signals. I like you, Scrap, I do. But there's another girl, and she's...she's everything."

"Oh," I whispered. "Sorry, again. I didn't mean to...ruin anything."

"I can take you home," he offered in a soft tone. His voice was full of pity.

I could not take his pity, so I snapped. "Just—don't, okay? Go home, Blade. I can take care of myself just fine."

And he did. He left. I was the one who stayed, sitting on the cobblestones and wondering how this night managed to get even worse. I had misread so many signals. I was stupid enough to think he liked me. His playfulness and niceness were not meant to mean anything. He was only trying to make me feel better. I was a horrible person, kissing Blade in light of this horrendous tragedy. I was selfish and naïve and so, so stupid. I remembered the sounds of the castle halls and shuddered. The whole night had an air of surrealism. Nothing felt real. Hopefully, I would wake up in my own bed and this whole night would be nothing but a horrible dream.

After a while, I got up. I was soaked to the bone, shivering and freezing cold. I felt the same as any other homeless person on the street. I was not a princess, not a Lady, not a distinguished woman of the Monrova family. I was an orphan. I was alone.

I walked down a side alley and hid under an awning. Droplets dripped onto my head, but it was better than standing in the rain. I stood next to a trash can and I started to smell gross, too. I leaned against a wall for a moment. I slid down the wall, pulling my knees to my chest. I was shivering as I rubbed my hands together. I wanted a warm bed or a bath more than almost anything. But instead, I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. I tucked my head in my knees and listened to the sound of the rain. Slowly, I fell asleep as I tried to ignore every plaguing problem in the world.