Finding DJ :.a supernatural fanfic.:

Chapter thirty six

I sat in the car while Bobby and Sam got Dean's body ready to bury. Bobby wanted the usual salt and burn but me and Sam weren't having that. Sam for different reasons than I. I just didn't want to watch my husband burn after seeing him ripped to shreds. I was wrapped in Sam's jacket after Bobby put some kind of salve on my burns. He told me they'd be gone in a matter of hours. It had already been about one and the burns were already looking a lot better now.
"Lucy." I looked up to see Bobby standing at the tree line of the forest we chose for Dean, looking at me with worried eyes. He slowly approached and gently placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, come on. It's time. He's all cleaned up and we changed his clothes. There's no blood or anything like that." I just looked ahead of me and leaned into him as he squeezed my shoulders.
"It feels wrong to do this without the kids. At least the boys you know? Connie is too young to understand."
"We'll bring them back in a few weeks to say goodbye. There isn't any time for they now. I'm sorry." I nodded and suddenly lost my composure. My body quaked with sobs and the cried I let out were loud and painful. Bobby quickly wrapped his arms around me and rocked me gently while trying to remain calm himself.
We heard Sam coming out of the woods.
"Guys I know this sucks but we got to get this done before someone finds out what we're going out here." Bobby and I both nodded and he helped me stand. He didn't let me go as we walked through the woods to a large hole in the ground and next to that said hole was a body wrapped in a sheet. If I hadn't been there, I'd never believe that it was my husbands body lying there.
"Dean." I whispered to myself. Bobby helped me sit down and went to help Sam place Dean in the hole. They both said something about him like it was a real funeral service and when they finished they looked to me. I took a deep breath and stood on my shaky legs, making my way to the edge of the hole. There were so many things. It's so cliche but it was true. I wanted to say things but I couldn't. Finally I looked down and said the first thing to enter my mind.
"I love you."

Once they finished putting the dirt back in, we were on the road again. Sam let me drive because the fighting and the digging really wore him out. It was almost five in the morning. About five hours since the whole thing happened but it seemed to be a lot longer than that.
I looked over at Sam and he was sleeping against the door on his side of the impala and somehow I was wondering how that door was holding up against his massive frame. I then looked to the rear view mirror and froze. I slowly pulled the car over and turned to look into the backseat. Right in the middle of the bench seat, perfectly laid out as if someone had done it on purpose, was Dean's neckless. The one Sam gave him when they were kids. I simply leaned over the seat and grasped it in my hands, new tears forming as I did.
I squeezed my eyes shut and cried again, my throat was raw but I didn't care. This overwhelming feeling of loss was too much for me to handle.
"Hey." Sam was quiet as he spoke to me and honestly it was calming. Sam again placed a careful hand on my shoulder and pulled me to him. I cried as he held me and it seemed to help a little.
"Why don't we find a hotel for the night? Get some sleep before we have to confront the boys about this." I simply nodded as he pulled away and opened his door, crossing in front of the headlights before opening my door. I slowly moved over so he could sit down. He started the car again and gave me one more worried glance before he pulled into the lane and drove to the closest hotel.

Once we were settled, Sam took a shower and I sat on one of the two beds in the room. I sat there for a good ten minutes before looking over at the familiar duffle bag sitting on the table. The room was just that. A room with two beds a tv and table. No minibar, no kitchenette, nothing but somewhere to sleep for the night. Then there was just a shower and toilet in the little broom closet next to the furthest bed.
I stood from my perch on the bed and slowly, as if someone else was controlling my body, made my way over to his bag. I stood over it for a minute or two before opening it and grabbing what I had been looking for.
His shirt.
Not the one he was wearing when it happened, Bobby threw that away, but the one he wore the night before when he was holding me in the backseat of the impala.
I closed my eyes and lifted the grey fabric up to my nose and took a deep breath in, inhaling his smell. More tears came and I smiled slightly as I opened them again to see a glint of something shinning in the bag.
I reached down and grabbed the round object, pulling it free to see that it was actually a bottle of whiskey. I chuckled once, remembering when I first asked him not to drink in front of DJ, when this whole thing began.
It's hard to believe that was three years ago.
"Lucy?" I heard Sam call out my name but I didn't look up from the bottle in my hands.
"Everything changed when I had DJ make that one phone call. It seems like a million years ago he walked back into my life, turning it upside down. And so quick we were married with a baby on the way. Then he'd leave for days, weeks on end. I just...I want the life we wanted. The life we talked about. The life with the kids and the dog and the house but we both knew that was never going to happen. No matter how hard I tried. And I tried. Damn it I tried." With that, I took the top of the bottle and started chugging the dark liquid and winced only once when I felt the burn in my throat but completely ignored that when I felt the warm filling my belly.

An hour later, and a liquor run made by Sam, we were both wasted and dancing around the room. It was starting get brighter out but we didn't really care. We just wanted to forget what happened the night before.
I was jumping on the bed with Sam standing next to it when I felt my ankle twist and started to go down. I laughed as the floor came closer but yelled out when it just seemed to stop.
"Woah, did you see that? I stopped myself? See look I'm...I didn't falled."
"Nope that was me. See, look arm." I looked down to see Sam's arm around my waist as he stopped me from hitting the ground. I laughed even louder as he straightened me back up, both of us stumbling as he did.
The laughing died down a little as he looked at me, smile fade.
Then.
He kissed me.
And I kissed back.
As sudden as it started, the kiss ended.
"Lucy, I'm so...I didn't...I..." I stopped him. 
"Sam. Shh." And I kissed him again. Only this time, it was different, more compassion was in that kiss and we both end up on the bed. I knew it was the whiskey but at that moment I'd do anything to forget the pain my chest. The pain that meant the rest of the world was real when I didn't want it to be.
The pain that meant my husband was dead.