It's A Fine Line

18: Seulpeo studio

I stood infront of Haengbokkhae Studios feeling completely and utterly pathetic. I never ran away from my problems. I never felt so weak. I hadn't cried so much in so long. So as I stood infront of the place that once brought me great comfort - a place I hadn't visited in years - with tear stained cheeks, I couldn't help but feel pathetic.

I walked inside and straight away noticed the changes that were made to the studio. Most of the building stayed the same but there were a few renovations and new decorations.

"Senthuri? Dear am I seeing a ghost or is that really you?"

"Hi, Mrs Haru," I greeted.

"Dear, I really didn't expect to see you. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I went for a walk and my feet brought me here apparently."

"How lovely. As you can see, the place is mainly the same just a few adjustments here and there. Do you want a tour or do you remember your way."

"I think I still remember," I answered.

"Okay Dear. By the way, it's already three so all classes are over, room 3 is unlocked still."

"Thanks, Mrs Haru."

She smiled and winked at me in return.

After a few minutes I found myself infront of room 3. Unknowingly I walked to my old dance practice room. The dance studio looked the same. Shinier. But still the same.  I still felt a sense of comfort wash over me when I walked in.

I checked the sound system. Someone left their flash still plugged in. It benefited me because I hadn't carried any music. I skipped a few songs, the ones that were too fast and too happy, a slower song started to play. It's underlying beat was strong but melancholic. It felt right.

I looked at myself in the mirrors that were plastered on the walls. I was a mess.

My body wanted to move to the music but my mind tried to stop me. Doubt filled me. Pain and memories of why I stopped dancing captured me.

It's been a while.
What if I can't dance anymore?
What if I'm no longer good at it?
What if it doesn't give me the same joy anymore?
What if someone sees me?

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply before slowly letting out a breath. Maybe I hadn't danced in a while but I knew I still had the passion buried deep within me. I just had to let loose.

I closed my eyes once again but instead of letting my thoughts take over me, I let the music do it instead.

My movements came slowly and came with an uncertainty but soon enough I was pulled into the beauty of dance once again.

The serenity of dance only distracted me for a while. My mind brought up awful memories. Not only of the incident with Jungkook but others too.

My movements became more frustrated and pain filled as memories encapsulated me.

I missed my brother. He was the only one who ever came for my performances. He was the only person that encouraged me. Who cared about my happiness.

Sid I need you.
I wish you were here.
None of this would've happened if you were here.

I didn't realise when I fell to my knees and started shedding tears at the memories of my brother. The good and the bad. I sobbed into my hands as I thought of him. As I thought about how protective and caring he was. As I thought about how he would've probably threatened Jungkook for hurting my feelings.

The reminder of Jungkook brought more tears.

I was tired of everything. Tired of being without my brother. Tired of being alone. Tired of feeling betrayed. Tired of being upset. I was just tired.