Deal with it

3 of November

I'll slowly make everyone love our language, you just wait. Again, the song doesn't have anything to do with anything.

This is a chapter from Wendy's diary, because I can. Just so you know.
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Dear diary, today has been quite the day. I finally did it, I broke up with Stan. It's more than just though... everyone says I shouldn't play with him. I don't even get a word in as they all turn on me. I wish I didn't have to do this. To me, this is so both of us can be happy, because even if I don't feel the same, I know that I want the best for him, he's just such a sweet boy. I want the best for him but I don't want to stay with him and restrict us both.

We haven't been happy for a while, even if Stan denies and denies that we have problems. This is on me, not him. I don't love him like I used to. I want to! I really do! But it's harder than it looks. Not being in love with Stan... it was easy, I've just grown out of it. I just find that Stan isn't the one I love and I know Stan doesn't love me anymore. Does it hurt? A little. It feels like I'm letting go of a smart part of my childhood. But that small part was the only thing that is still the same... I've changed completely.

Other than that, I can't let go of... anything anymore. That's the reason I was, despite everything I feel, still holding onto Stan. I know it was not fair of me, he deserves to be happy. I have been like this for a year or two but I didn't want to do it again. I've broken up with him, broken his heart, too many times. But it's time I don't think about it that way. I know this is better FOR HIM... as well as me. He cried but I know he'll get better. If Kyle doesn't help him, Kenny will. The two are such good friends.

I just don't think it was the right time. I went and fell in love with Bebe. I mean. I was meant to have a moment to properly let go of my childhood, property stand, remembering that I'm no longer a child. I was meant to get over everything that happened, I was supposed to get over mom's death but here I am, crying onto a page of a book because I haven't let go.

Everyone else can't wait to move, I want to stay. I shouldn't live in the past, I know that. I just don't want to face the future. Childhood is over, I should understand by now. I understand, I just don't want to. Stan was sort of my last resort. Since we've been on and off for so long! Nearly half of my life. It's hard to let go of something like that but I had to. For his sake.

Maybe I still love him, somewhere deep down in my heart. I just don't think it's worth all it is. We don't work anymore, at all. We don't have the same feeling that we could take over the world together. And we have fallen in love with different people by now. Stan doesn't maybe see it but I do. It has happened long ago. It was my fear of letting go restricting both of our happiness. I don't know if I will be happy. I just want him to be... as a thank you for all these years.

As an end of an era, I've found old stuff of mine and put it in a box. Drawings, pictures, anything I could find and put it on the 'future moving things.' I have written 'Open, when you've let go' on the top of the box. When I've let go, this will all be a memory...

I found a picture with us. Mom, dad and me. I got it to be made into a medallion. Yes, I know it might sound weird. I just want to hold onto to it. It was taken maybe three months before mom got diagnosed, we all look so happy. I have to savor it. Another thing I found was my call girl outfit. It brings so many memories. I thought- maybe it's okay to have a little bit of childish feeling left? So, I put into my box I write 'For future kids' on top of. Maybe I can get my own little call girl? Or call boy? Or whatever. A call person?

I feel like this page is going to look so bad, I've been crying for a while now, all on the pages. But it's supposed to feel like this, right? Suddenly understanding the next step is right ahead and that I can't step on it with my other leg 3 steps down... I'll just fall on that step and get ripped away from everything. Letting go is important and I just never did. That terrifies me, the fact I have to let go. But I can still have my memories.

It's been so hard to do all of this. Dad is broken with the fact I'm going as well... I can't believe in under a year, I will be gone from here. I've let everything to the last moment, I guess. That might be the worst idea I've ever had. But I had to do this at some point. Humans age and I can't forever live like I was still 14.

The fact I've fallen in love is aging me as well... but it feels so good to age now. She's like an angel to me, I want to take her hand and never let go. And I know that's a problem for me, never letting go... but I want it, so bad. I want to never let go of her... but I don't even have her in the first place.

Wend.