To Be Determined

untitled part 37

I grip handfuls of myself -
my hair, my thighs, my mouth, my chest -
and rough it up, damage it so completely,
only the mirror says I failed //

(oh. oh God, deliver me from this,
save me from another night crying
on the bathroom floor to a song about
growing old.)

how do you unlearn this? I tried to dance
last night and I cried. I tried on my old clothes
and nearly put my hand through the wall //

I want to be wanted //

I'm not patient unless there's an end in sight;
those haven't existed for me or this in about,
oh, sixteen years, give or take //

give me hope. I have faith, sometimes I'm
capable of love, but I don't want to be a black
hole for affection to fall through; I'd rather
be someone fully capable of returning the
favor //

(loving me would be a favor and nothing more,
I suppose. wanting me is too much of a stretch
with my hands stained the way they are.)

do me a favor - ask me //