To Be Determined

is this a sign?

i'm still taking mascara off from the night we danced.

i thought i cried it off in the car
from relief -
relief your hands in mind didn't stun me
to stone, send me back in time
to a pier, edge, muffled music, bad taste;

"it's just three steps," you say;
i never let anyone lead, but i had to -
i didn't know, you did,
and when you spun me under your arm
i thought, "three steps to making someone
smile like the entire sun is in this midnight
theater? this i can do."

she said i looked comfortable
i felt it, but my body never says it;
i don't know how to forget tension,
but i will always remember the glint
under your eyes, head leaning on a window.
i wanted to block you from the world so you
could rest; that's too forward i suppose...

what is it like to be you? move carefully
through the world but without the fear
that yanks me back like a clumsy dance partner?
i saw the gleam in your eye when you
reached for me; i analyze everything that
shows me you wanted to dance because i am
me, not you wanted something.

the mascara i didn't cry off stained
the skin beneath my eyes black.
i dreamed of one more dance and,
for once,
wasn't as tired as i looked when i woke up.