To Be Determined

panic

light hands, head, heart,
(w)hole punching though my chest
standing still against time.
you grab the worst of me,
tell me everything i want to hear. i can't
say it the way you want.
gasp life into my blood; i can't see well enough to let it sing.

my mouth kills monsters. your words bite to the quick.
i'd call for you through catacombs and carnage while
you wait for me to clean my face of blood.
we are all sorry creatures sitting in the water
that replaces the panic in my lungs.

i shake the cobwebs off and call you lover,
you brush the dirt away and change the letters.
there's one secret i shout to temple halls
and coat closets, the irony of a
churning stomach replacing a leaping heart.

i can see you, need stacked against need,
missed chances, syllables,
cracked glass and confused words
(i sort of like it, too)
but not me, never me, not like this,
holding you the way i am
bad words, panicked eyes, reality passing over
while you stand, hand over dumbfounded mouth,
speaking around fingers
that could have felt nice tangled in mine.