Dear Virgil Sanders [✔️]

Chapter 5: If I Could Tell His Requiem Tonight

That evening, at the Picani household...

"Patton, don't you dare run away from me! We get it, Janus's death was hard for all of us but you can't just shut yourself in, you have to let it out!" Emile called to his son as he walked upstairs.

Patton sighed. "That's the thing, dad! I don't miss him! I don't see why I have to pretend to miss him for you or for pops or for Virgil, anyone!"

Emile let him go upstairs after processing this. Patton sat in his room, staring out the window into the open field behind their house.

"Why should I play this game of pretend, remembering through a second hand sorrow? 'Such a great son and wonderful friend'." Patton felt himself welling up with anger at the phrase. "Oh don't the tears just pour!"

Walking over to his bed, he sat in the nook of stuffed animals and blankets and grabbed a pillow. "I could curl up and hide in my room, there in my bed still sobbing tomorrow. I could give into all of the gloom but tel me, tell me what it's all for!"

He threw the pillow to the side and stared at himself in the mirror across the room and sighed. "Why should I have a heavy heart? Why should I start to break in pieces and why should I go and fall apart for you..." he looked at the picture he had on his desk, a family picture from when Patton was five and Janus didn't torment him that bad, it was just playful teasing. He felt tears well up in his eyes. "Why should I play the grieving boy and lie, saying the 'I miss you's and that my world has gone dark without your light? I will sing no requiem tonight."

Downstairs his pops, Remy, stared at the boxes of stuff he had gotten Janus but he never used or gave back to him as regifts. An old baseball signed by some famous guy he thought he heard Janus talk about. "I gave you the world you threw it away, leaving these broken pieces behind you..." he tossed the ball against the wall and caught it absently. "Everything wasted, nothing to say. So I will sing no requiem.."

"I hear your voice I feel you near..." Emile was staring at an old photo album in his office. He smiled at a picture during Janus's first Halloween party. Dad, why can't I be a ninja? He remembered Janus saying. "Within these words I finally find you... and now that I know that you are still here, I will sing no requiem tonight.."

Patton kept asking himself the same questions. "Why should I have a heavy heart? Why should I say 'I'll keep you with me'? Why should I go and fall apart for you?!"

"Why should I play the grieving dad and lie! Saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark without your light?!" Remy asked himself.

But Emile was more remorseful. "I'll keep you with me.... I can see your light.. but I will sing no requiem tonight.."

Patton stared at the shelves upon shelves of childhood stories with hero's and villains. "Cause when the villains fall the kingdoms never weep! No one lights a candle to remember! No! No one mourns at all! When you lay them down to sleep! So don't tell me that I didn't have it right!" He tossed one of the stupid books at his picture, breaking the glass of the frame, one of the chunks accidentally ripping Janus's face. "Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white! After all you put time through, don't say it wasn't true! That you were not the monster... that I knew.." he felt the tears run down his face.

"Cause I cannot play the grieving boy and lie, saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark.."

And they will sing no requiem tonight...

After dinner the next day, Virgil sat in Janus's room with Patton, chatting and smiling about some of the made up anecdotes he had with Janus.

"Well... what did he say about me? He had to talk about how awful I was, right?" Patton asked him. They were sitting on Janus's black plaid sheet and blanket set.

"He thought you were awesome!" Virgil chuckled.

Patton looked skeptical. "He thought I was awesome? My brother?"

Virgil nodded quickly, jumping to plan what to say. "Yeah definitely!"

"How?"

"Well.." he cleared his throat and began to speak. "He said there's nothing like your smile, sorta subtle and perfect and real... he said you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel..." he watched Patton's reactions slowly. The younger boy looked confused but not opposed to what he was saying, so he carried on. "And he knew, whenever you'd get bored you'd scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans.. and he noticed that you still fill out those quizzes that they put in those teen magazines..

"But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid... and though he wanted to, he couldn't talk to you. He couldn't find the way... but he would always say... if I could tell him... tell him everything I see, if I could tell him, how he's everything to me... but we're a million worlds apart."

Virgil laughed softly. "And I dunno how I would even start. If I could tell him..."

Patton processed for a second then smiled slightly. "Did he... say anything else?"

This caught Virgil off guard. He tugged at the ends of his sleeves. "Uh, um about you-?"

Their words overlapped as Patton tried to stop him but Virgil tried to think of more.

"Nonono I don't really care anyway-"

"No he said so many, so many things I'm trying to think of the best ones... so um-"

He continued when Patton abandoned his protests. "He thought you looked really pret- er um it looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair.."

"H-he did?" Patton touched his now purple hair and giggled. Virgil laughed along.

"And he wondered how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn't there... but he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid... if I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him, how he's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart... and I dunno how I would even start... if I could tel him.."

Virgil saw Patton sigh. He was sad- fuck that wasn't intended! He tried to grab his hand. "But what do you do when there's this great divide?"

Patton linked his fingers with Virgil's and sat closer. "He just seemed so far away..."

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"

Patton leaned on Virgil's shoulder and let a tear slip down his cheek. "It's like I don't know anything..."

"And how do you say... I love you? I love you..." he looked Patton in the eyes and smiled. "But were a million worlds apart.. I dunno how I could even start.." it was no longer Janus speaking, but Virgil. "If I could tell him... if I could..." he grabbed Patton's chin and kissed him. Patton gasped and pulled away in shock. Without a word he stood and left, tears in his eyes. It was in that moment Virgil knew, he fucked up.