Dear Virgil Sanders [✔️]

Chapter 16: So Big/So Small

Virgil enters the living room, soaking wet from the rain. He kicked his shoes off by the door, but kept his wet clothes on. Thomas was in pajamas. He looked up, wiping tears from his face.

"Virgil your soaked... go change into something warm. I'll make some hot chocolate."

Virgil nodded numbly, doing as he was told. Wasn't his dad mad?

When he returned to the living room, in plaid purple pajamas, Thomas in red sweatpants and an orange shirt, they sat down, Thomas's laptop open to the letter. His dad handed him a mug that said 'I Don't Always Drink Coffee But When I Do I Drink From A Big Mug'. Virgil chuckled at that. Thomas smiled at him.

"Have you seen this? The note that Janus Picani..."

Virgil could only nod. He didn't sip his cocoa.

"'Dear Virgil Sanders'." He looked at him. The words were familiar. Virgil said nothing. "Did you... you wrote this? The note?" A beat. Virgil nods. "I didn't know."

"No one did."

"No... Virgil that's not what I... I didn't know that you... that you were... hurting..." Thomas put his hand on Virgil's knee, closing his laptop. "Like that. That you felt so... I didn't know. How did I not know?"

"Because I never told you." Virgil set his mug on the coffee table.

"You shouldn't have had to. I should've realized." He didn't want Virgil to feel guilty. It wasn't his fault that Thomas was a bad father.

"I lied..." Virgil voice shook. "I lied. About... so many things. Not just Janus. Last summer, I just.... I felt so alone..." he couldn't go any further than that.

Thomas shifted closer. "You can tell me."

Virgil took a deep breath, shaking his head. He was trying not to panic again. "You'll hate me."

"No... Virgil..." Thomas was now facing him. He took his hand off of Virgil's knee, giving him space. He knew how Virgil got when he was on the Virge of a panic attack.

"You should. If you knew what I tried to do..." Virgil started crying. "If you knew who I am, how... broken I am." He choked back a sob.

"I already know you. And I love you."

Virgil paused.

"I'm so... so sorry.."

"I can promise you, some day... all of this will all fee like a very long time ago."

"I don't know. It feels so real."

"Your dad..." Thomas sighed. "Do you remember the day he drove by to get his things?" Virgil shook his head. "It was a few weeks after he moved out. 'Temporary', we said."

Thomas reminisced the memory. He flashed back to that day, when Mitchell Mark Sanders drove by.

"It was a February day. When your dad came by before going away." He smiled, imagining little Virgil running and looking at the window. "A U-Haul trick in the driveway. The day it was suddenly real."

The flashback showed a younger looking Thomas, his mid twenties, his and Mitchell's son, Virgil, running towards the door, a grin on his face. "I told you not to go outside." He remembered telling Virgil. "But you saw that truck and you smiled so wide. A real live truck in your driveway. We let you sit behind the wheel."

The pair waved off Virgil's dad. That was the last time he'd ever see him. "Goodbye.... goodbye... now it's just me and my little guy..."

Thomas looked at his son now. Broken, and sad. Virgil laid his head in Thomas's lap. "And the house felt so big. And I felt so small. The house felt so big. And I felt so small..."

Thomas slowly ran his hands through Virgil's hair. "That night I tucked you into bed, I will never forget how you sat up and said..." he couldn't help think of the day again. Virgil in his purple dinosaur onesie. "'Is there another truck coming to our driveway... a truck that will take daddy away'?"

Virgil looked up at him, his cheeks tear stained. "I don't remember that."

"I wouldn't expect you to. But that moment has stuck with me every day since. Cause the house felt so big." Thomas leaned down and kissed Virgil's forehead. "And I felt so small. The house felt so big. And I..."

He sighed, thinking back through the childhood memories. Places where another parent would make the moment special. School plays he was forced to do for a grade, take your parents to school day, anything. Thomas missed out on so much because he had to work. "And I knew there would be moments that I'd miss and I knew there would be space I couldn't fill. And I knew I'd come up short in a million different ways..."

Virgil sat up, shaking his head but Thomas dismisses it. "And I did..." his son leaned on his shoulder. "And I do." His arm wrapped around Virgil protectively. "And I will." He pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"But like that February day. I will grab your hand, squeeze it tightly and say.." he did just that. "'There's not another truck in the driveway. Your dad isn't going anywhere. You're dad is staying right here'."

Thomas quoted before being back in the moment, looking Virgil in the eyes. "Your dad isn't going anywhere. Your dad is staying right here no matter what." He pulled him in for a hug as Virgil sobbed into his chest. "I'll be here when it all feels so big. Till it all feels so small."

He cradled his son. "When it all feels so big. Till it all feels so small...."

Till it all feels so small...

Virgil stood. "Thanks dad."

"You'll see." He smiled warmly. "I promise.