Beauty and Beastly | ✓

Chapter 22

I woke up but my eyes were closed shut. Not only did they feel heavy, but for some reason I was afraid to open them. The first thing I noticed was the pain. It spread; it left traces; it left me screaming -  only I couldn't really scream because my throat was still numb. I shifted between reality and unconsciousness. I wanted to move. To squirm. To plead for help. But mostly, I wanted to give up.

Soon later I felt fingers stroked my hair, calming me down, whilst tears escaped my eyes. I couldn't stop them. I tried so hard. So hard. I was suffocating. I had felt a few minutes of the surgery or whatever it was, but it still left me traumatised. I was stitched back together but I felt as if I was still torn open. I wanted to slash my stomach.

I wanted to kill. I wanted to kill those who caused this to me. I wanted to kill Xavier. My wolf howled in agreement as she lusted for his blood. She was going insane and violent. 

The stroking stopped for a second, before continuing.

"I'm sorry." A voice echoed in my head. "Don't block me, please. It was unintentional. I needed to know what you were. I had to put my pack members first." He whispered.

My swollen eyes opened, heavily packed with tears. I closed them as the light blinded me for a few seconds.

"You took advantage of my vulnerable state! You took my right away from me. You let them dissect me like an animal, a monster." I screamed. "Why is the mind-link still there? Why do I still trust you?" I cried.

"I-I don't know." He said helplessly.

"I hate you! I hate you so much." I screamed through the link, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry that it happened. Anaesthesia awareness is so rare that the surgeons did not expect it."

"It-t hurt so bad. I couldn't even do anything to stop it." I trembled.

"I know, I know." He muttered wiping my tears.

"No you don't, you don't know anything."

"I do Katherine, I really do. I-I felt your agony and anger. I felt it through the link."

"B-but the link is not meant to relay what we physically feel."

"I know." He whispered out loud but it was very silent.

"We can't be mates. A mate does not treat their other half like lab-rats."

With that, I closed my eyes and the mind-link.

Xavier left shortly after, only coming at nights. All the while, I was afraid to move. Afraid to turn, or sit up, or get up, or even open my eyes. I was immersed in the darkness to the point where I craved more of it.

It was clear that I couldn't trust anybody, they would all hurt me. But apparently I trusted Xavier and nothing could seemingly break that trust. Not even forcefully being dissected. What was wrong with me?

I hated myself. I hated myself for still trusting him. Why couldn't I just not? Why couldn't I?

For a few days, I would cry myself to sleep and wake up silently, drenched in salty water. I wouldn't scream after the nightmares I had, or sit up. I would just lie there, just like I had done for days on end - reliving the pain - and torturing myself over the traumatic event. I would contemplate death which with every new day, seemed inviting and almost comforting. It brought me the idea of possible freedom. Death would be my ally. At least, I would have the power to do that. To manipulate death to be my friend. Death would be the only thing in my life that I would have control of. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Not my family or friends. Not my mate. I'm sure my family would be better off. 

Death. The word became positive, joyous even. Maybe I would see death very soon. Maybe it could welcome me.

Just maybe.

A door slammed open. "You need to get up and stop having these self-deprecating thoughts." Xavier growled. "I have let you wallow and let you grieve but I have had enough. I am sorry. I cannot go back and change things. I still don't understand you. I have a duty to my people and I will not fail them. You need to start acting like the Luna, not for me, but for them. They deserve that. You don't deserve what has happened to you, I understand. I know that maybe you can't forgive me but you shouldn't be thinking these things." Xavier gushed all his inner turmoil about me. It was overwhelming to say the least. And he left. 

I knew he was right. He was right. I was stronger than this 

After a while, I began to open my eyes, it was a vulnerability that I was afraid of as I now thought of it. I ridiculed at the idea. But closing my eyes meant that I didn't have to face anyone or the truth. It meant that I could enjoy the darkness. But, I couldn't run away from the truth nor the light that would seep into the hospital room. That specific day, was different. I felt like there was a bit of hope, like I had something to lose or a purpose. Maybe it was Xavier that encouraged me to stop acting cowardly. I didn't feel the desire so seek death.

But my happiness was not long-lived. Things came crashing down, as I received yet another note. It lay right beside me. I unfolded the crisp note and read it.

You can be normal, 

If you follow what we say,

You no longer have to be a hybrid,

A monster at bay. 

This could be our last message to you.

You can either leave the Beast forever and escape his control,

Or kill him with a special dagger which we will provide for you, 

We know you will make the right choice. 

We know how much you seek your freedom, 

Losing the mark will also be a part of our deal, little girl. 

I grinned my teeth as I ripped the note apart. Abruptly, a pain ricocheted in the inner membranes of my brain, rebound after rebound. I nearly screamed.

I contemplated it. I did not want to kill Xavier. But I did want him to feel what I did. I wanted him to experience my pain. I wanted him to be helpless. I wanted him to suffer. But I wouldn't do anything to him because I respect him and his reasons even though they hurt me. Maybe I too would have done it for my people. There was no doubt about it - I would not help the daste witches.