if i knew

dear

dear,

I like to think I'm the only one that can call you that. I know it's not true. A lot of the things I think about you aren't true.
   
I'll start by saying the way you came into my life was something I will probably never forget. There was a time where all I wanted was to forget you and never see you again. Because frankly the truth is you are a jerk. But for a short period of time, I thought I loved you. In a way maybe I still do. I think I have a complex where I like saving people, swooping in and caring for them. You were so sad and it killed me, tore down my walls. For me it was like you would play this game with me, like you would pull me up and then kick me down. A roller coaster of emotions. Only I figured since I felt this pain you had to feel it too and you didn't. You kept carrying on, oblivious to my red eyes and careless style. I made a mistake in thinking you cared about me like that.
   
Soon I realized that it was just who you were. You were that kind of person, the one that would break your heart without even knowing it. So I moved on silently, I rebuilt our relationship in my mind as purely friendship. Only the past kept haunting me. So once school got out I tried erasing you like I had before. But I knew it wouldn't work. So I dealt with the pain, I cried on my bedroom floor and promised myself it would be the last time over you. Then I moved on, I tried finding a new boy and I will.
   
The only part I'll miss is lunch. I've already forgotten the way you smile, and how you'd laugh at jokes. Or the lunch in my baggy sweatshirt trippin off B. That's what I'll miss. I won't miss the lunches where I sat apart from you unable to deal with that pain. Or the one where you were so sad I thought I was going to cry. Im sure people could see the way I looked at you, with so much empathy in my eyes. I regret showing so much emotion in a look.
   
Maybe someday I'll send this too you or maybe even tell you. But for now I'll let this sit and collect dust. Because i know now you don't care. So why would I tell you I do.