if i knew

i don't let go

you were supposed to be my sunshine. the coffee that i need in the morning. instead i find myself falling in patterns i sword i never would. this is not who i am. when did it happen that i let my walls down? that i forgot what i had so gruesomely learned?

perhaps it was when it was when you pressed your lips to my forehead. or maybe when you wrapped your arms around me. i forgot what i had learned on October 5th, when on that yellow bus, with my head in your lap slipping in and out of consciousness, you told me you loved me.

perhaps that's god's irony that both moments were from Illinois back home. and on a yellow school bus. either way, the first though that had gone through my head was "this boy will be the end to my pain." how could i be so naive ? one person can't change my pain. but isn't that what everyone says? that one person changes their world? so what does that mean for you and me? my head spins.

you don't love me. if you did you'd show it. im alone. i have my family. im better than this. i deserve more. that's something i won't forget.