Compositions of Us

25 · The Unexpected Gift

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25 · The Unexpected Gift

"The limit of a natural log as x approaches infinity is infinity," Mikaela chanted several times to get the concept rooted in her brain. 

Nodding along, I took a bite of my pretzel and flipped through the pages of my calculus book. The fact that it was already mid-April had me in denial. AP testing was in early May, and yet, I still felt unprepared. 

We were sitting on the deck of Mikaela's backyard to study this Wednesday afternoon. The O'Connors had one of the best backyards with outdoor furniture and a built-in grill. That was all due to the handy Mr. O'Connor. Picking out a problem from the chapter, I scribbled it down onto my notebook and spared a few minutes to solve it. In the middle of figuring out the derivative, my attention was diverted from the constant tapping of Mikaela's pencil against the table top. 

Lifting my head, I quirked my right eyebrow up, only to discover Mikaela deep in thought. 

Except, she wasn't thinking about calculus.  

I prepared myself for the words that were going to come out of her mouth. 

Mikaela revealed gently as she twisted the ends of her strawberry-blonde hair, "You know, it's driving me crazy how you and Joshua aren't talking. It's almost been three weeks." 

The reminder sent a pang on my chest, but her words were completely true. 

After what happened that Saturday night, everything that was said that needed to be done was done. Joshua and I haven't spoken to each other ever since. For the first couple days we returned to school, I was in disbelief that we really did ignore each other. Wherever I was, he wasn't there. Wherever he was, I wasn't there. Joshua went on about his day, and I went along mine. After a while, it started to become a routine. 

Whenever I thought about Joshua, the thinking charade went in a circle. I would worry about him, get pissed, feel guilty for getting pissed, and then feel embarrassed about everything. 

Maybe it was because I was a slow shutter in the darkness.With every click of events, the outcome would be a blur. 

Those mixed emotions were constantly reoccurring that I forced myself to stop after the first week was over. I attempted to look into Joshua's perspective because he was noticeably afraid that night. His situation was more than he deemed it to be, and that was one of the many things to add onto the list why Joshua Anderson made lose my mind.  

These days, the only stuff I heard about Joshua were when my friends and Ethan brought him up. I insisted that it would be childish for Eric and Mikaela to stop talking to Joshua because of me. They were his friends too. The last thing I heard was that Joshua was busy preparing for the spring showcase next Tuesday. They would all hint the lack of interaction we had, but neither one of us directly addressed it.  

I only hummed in response while I shrugged my shoulders. 

Mikaela reasoned, "Listen Olivia, you've been avoiding this topic since the night your dad came to pick you up at the inn. Did something else... happen more than what you told Eric and me?" 

Mikaela was bothered by the entire situation and how nonchalant I was about it.  

After all, she was the one who bought Joshua in the room for us to talk. Even though she was positive that Joshua would say something to reassure me that we were okay, she was shocked to find out that he didn't—that he let me go and followed my dad's request. After that emotionally exhausting night, giving up in hopeless misery was overdone and unhealthy. So, I didn't let those events stop me from continuing on. However, Mikaela didn't fail to remind me that hiding my feelings could result into something just as worst.