Fuck Buddies

chapter 7: Realization

Jieqiong's pov

It was Saturday afternoon and I was relaxing in my room with my friend Roa. Recently Roa had taken a strong liking in hanging out with me unnaturally.

We had no real plans for the remaining half of the day and decided to just be in the moment and rest for a few minutes/hours. For a while, I was okay with the silence.

When the silence left my mind without a single thing to think, I began to think of Nayoung. The girls smile made me happy, just the thought of it made me happy.

Recently we haven't talked as much, which is my fault. The way Nayoung looked at me lately, or the way she acted or touched, it was all.. Different, it was more caring and loving, I was scared maybe she liked me.

The thing that made it worse, She left. Right now it is winter break and she moved back home for the remainder of winter break and beginning of January.

"You okay Jie? Your mind seems to be wandering a lot today" Roa called out.

"Yeah.. I'm just.. Really caught." I said.

"Why?" Roa asked.

"How do you know if someone likes you or not?" The words actually came out.

"Um.. Is this someone you're talking about that.. Boy.. You were seeing?" Roa asked, I became red when I remembered that I made up a fake boyfriend to hide it all.

"Y-yeah.." I lied.

"Well, how does he act when he's around you?" Roa asked me, immediately I thought of Nayoung's dorky yet sweet personality.

".. He's really nice and.. He always asks me how my day is when we meet.. He tries to be around me as much as possible.. And I know he'd do anything to make me smile"

"Well.. He sounds like he's really into you. But the thing is, how do you feel about him?" Roa asked.

"I.. Like her a lot.." I zoned out.

"Wait what?" Roa caught on.

"Him.. Sorry I meant to say him, I just was thinking about a friend for a second.." I lied, but I knew it was already over.

Before I could try and force myself to lie more, the smirk began to form, Roa always smirked when she knew exactly what was up. She can't know.. She's seen nothing I thought, but her confidence said otherwise.

The beautiful eyed girl patted the bed besides her for me to sit. I hesitated but made my way towards her and sat down, oh God was I shaking hard.

Please don't tell me she knows.. I silently begged as I went through my memory, thinking of what I could have done to let a single soul believe/know a secret like this.

"Jieqiong. You know.. It's.. Okay..?" Roa tried her best to say whatever she could to make me feel better, like the sweet talker she usual was. I wouldn't look at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I said in a quiet voice, My eyes watered.

"Bullshit. You're totally about to cry dude. Just.. Trust me. What's going on?" Roa continued to try and pry the secret out of me, but I knew I couldn't budge.

We sat in silence for a few minutes as Roa tried to get inside my head with her unwanted support. I felt like I'd puke if the conversation continued, that's how scared I was of being found out about this.

"Jieqiong I am NOT scared to chose the hard way" Roa suddenly spoke up. My heart dropped. She knows.

"I dare you" I bravely said. She looked at me and raised both eyebrows, now mad.

"Fine then, I saw you and her kissing at my house when you were drunk. And you CANNOT use the I was drunk card, you've NEVER kissed a girl while drunk before and you KNOW not to." Roa poured it all.

I was speechless. She knew, and she spoke it out loud in my house where my parents also live. As expected, the nervousness turned into a panic attack.

When I have panic attacks, I shake a lot and become extremely breathless, sometimes I even forget how to breathe if it's bad enough, this was that situation.

My eyes filled with water when I tried to breathe in, and nothing would inhale. I continued to try and breathe until more tears came out of my eyes, I couldn't.

Roa started patting my back and telling me the steps of square breathing, I tried to follow her orders but my mind was too messed up to take her words in.

My life is over if any members of my family heard I thought as I got up and walked to the bathroom and shut the door, leaving Roa alone in the bedroom.

I stood at the sink and placed both hands on the sink-counter edges as I looked down at the water that was now running in the sink I finally began to breathe again.

As a wake up call, I splashed the ice cold water on my face. When I fully came back to reality I looked in the mirror and told myself over and over again, you are not gay, don't be a disgrace to your family.

Finally, I took a deep breath and wiped my face dry and made my way back to the bedroom. Roa sat on the bed waiting for me, her eyes concerned and uneasy.

"You haven't had a panic attack like that in years.." Roa broke the silence. Shyly I nodded and sat on the edge of the bed near her, placing my head in my hands to hide.

"I'm ashamed" I cried out.

"Of having the panic attack?" Roa asked for collaboration, but I stayed silent.

".. So you do like her." Roa asked, the words pained me, I felt like a bad person.

"Be quiet my brother likes to listen in on my conversations sometimes" I said in a muffled voice since my face was still in my hands blocking her from seeing me.

"I didn't understand a single word you just said" Roa said with a little laugh, I couldn't help but laugh a little too.

"I said be quiet" I took my head out of my hands so she could understand me.

"Pfft. You know I have good hearing. I was just trying to unmask the face from the ashamed hands" Roa said with a smile. I laughed a little more at my stupidity.

"You know you can trust me right? I mean, this specific topic I mean.. I'm an expert at this stuff." Roa calmed me with her gentle words, of course her sweetness worked.

"I'm not a Lesbian if that's what you're thinking" I confirmed to her.

"Then..?" Roa said. I gulped.

"I just.. Don't like girls.. That's all.." I said.

"But.. Nayoung is a girl isn't she?"

"Y-yes.. I.. If it's only one person then why should I be ruled anything other than straight?" I said, Roa nodded.

"Alright, I see your thinking process there. So, Nayoung is like an only exception?"

"I guess.. I wouldn't even say I like her I just.." I got quiet and became teary eyed again, I was so scared of my own feelings that I couldn't even control myself.

After a while, Roa knew everything. That Nayoung and I had slept together MANY times, that there was no guy, that I might have real feelings for Nayoung.

When the day came to an end, Roa and I gave each other a hug goodbye, whispering be careful before she left the house. I made sure she got home okay before relaxing.

I still couldn't wrap my head around it. Why do you have to be a girl Nayoung.. I'd be so in love with you if you were a boy.. I thought. I finally let myself cry.

Who am I kidding.. I AM in love with her.
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Next chapter will be VERY sad so
For all people weak/vulnerable to things
Like suicide, Or anything triggering, i
Influence you to skip the next chapter so
You don't become uncomfortable/sad
Because I care about your guys health
As well!

Enjoy♡