In Your Own Words

27. SUBJECT: RE:

to: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

from: weston.maguire@baderu.com

subject: Re:

sent: April 17, 2017 at 10:02pm

Cassie,

I wasn't sure if you wanted a response to your last email, but I figured it's a lot better for you to ignore an email that exists than to wait for one I haven't written.

There's nothing I can say to make this better, is there?

I'm not in any position to argue, because what you wrote makes sense, in hindsight.

But hindsight is tricky, you know? When we study history, it's easy to be like "oh that was stupid" because we have the advantage of knowing the greater picture and the ongoing consequences. When Napoleon invaded Russia, he didn't know how fucking cold Russian winters were until he got there. He only realized how stupid it was, and how many people would die, when it was too late. I guess Germany tried to do the same thing during World War II, and so they should have known better. Not that I empathize with either of them. Fuck, this is really getting away from me. But you get what I mean, right?

I didn't know how shitty I was being until after you told me that I'd been shitty. I would never intentionally cause you pain.

Listen, I haven't ever been hurt the way that Doug hurt you, and I've never had to deal with recovering from something like that. You were right, I did act on my emotions. But to be fair, those are the only ones I can really act on.

You wouldn't talk to me after our date. I called, and I texted, and you were just gone. I didn't know what to do. And all I could think about was that party. I should have kept talking to you or should have made Doug leave when I did. It was killing me that I didn't stop him. I couldn't go back and undo it, so yeah, I did something stupid. But, it wasn't about proving myself, and it wasn't about trying to fix anything.

I wanted him to be sorry.

You're right, it wasn't my decision to make, and I shouldn't have gone after him. I knew it was reckless and poorly thought out, but fuck, I had to do something. It was too late for me to protect you, but I couldn't do nothing about it, and kicking the shit out of him just made sense at the time. I'm not saying I was right. I was wrong to do what I did, and I'm sorry. I'm just saying that I didn't know what I was doing until after it was done.

I haven't told anybody about how you're involved, if that's something you're worried about. Peter and Lena waited with me at the station until I got released, and the first thing they asked when we got in the car to go home was why I did it.

"Did he say something?" Lena asked.

"Doug is a really crappy guy. I mean, he's truly, utterly, crappy," Peter, who remembers Doug vividly, said. "I'm not surprised Wes snapped."

I shrugged. "It was a dumb thing to do. Did you call my mom?"

"Yeah, she said she'll call you in the morning. We didn't tell her everything, only that the police got called to break up a fight. We figured you could tell her more tomorrow," Lena said.

The next morning, I went to Lena's with Peter. My mom wants me to go to Edmonton as soon as possible, so my flight is tomorrow night, right after my last exam.

We sat around, eating pancakes and talking about the future. Lena is starting to date again, and she met a girl she likes on a dating app.

"She's short, like me, but she's on the varsity swim team. I'm still not ready for anything serious. I'm not over..." she glossed over Taylor's name. "You know. But it's good to be dating again. It's fun." She paused to sip her drink. "What about you, Peter? Are you still dating yourself?"