featherlight ✅

voicemail

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, 
now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do"

As I head into the living room after walking Jake, I turn my phone on and scroll through the notifications. Most of them are the regular texts from my group chat with my friends.

The second last one, however, is from Kat. 

She called me. When I was out. 

I don't even think twice; I immediately call her back. Kat called me. I'm like a drowning man who is thrown a line. Of course he would grab on to it. Of course I would call her back. I hold my phone to my ear, heart thudding. 

When she doesn't pick up, I try again. And again. 

I send her a text: Kat, I want to call you back. Can you please pick up? 

I tell myself to wait ten minutes, staring at the clock on the wall before me and willing it to move faster. And then I try calling her again. 

By this time, a flare of worry has awakened in me, a dark feeling seeping through my veins. What if she's in trouble? I think. What if something happened to her and that's why she's not picking up? We have been ignoring each other the whole week- what could have happened to make her changed her mind? Why would she try to call me and not someone else? 

I send a frantic text to Gabe; I know she'll answer him. Can you please call Kat? I've tried a million times but she's not picking up. I just want to know that she's ok. 

My phone buzzes a minute later: I tried twice but it went to voicemail. Do you think something's wrong? 

I do, I want to scream through the screen. The part of my brain that's still working knows that she's probably just out doing something, but the rest of me refuses to calm down. 

I'm going to go over and check, I text back. I race over to my car, turning on the engine and driving away from my house without even letting my parents know. That's not important right now. I don't care if I'm grounded for the rest of my life. I don't care about anything. Except knowing that she's okay. 

That's all that matters. Come to think of it, maybe that's what has always mattered right from the start. 

I try calling her again, and this time, when it goes to voicemail, I leave her a message. 

"Kat, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, chocolat." 

I try calling her again, each message becoming increasingly pleading and desperate.

"Kat I'm sending you a heck load of voicemails, so can you just please answer them? C'mon, Kat, please...I just need you to be okay please say you're okay...Shit!" I twist the steering wheel, narrowly missing the sidewalk. I can feel burning tears start to well up in my eyes and furiously wipe them away with the back of my trembling hand. 

"Kat if you've hurt yourself in any way I fucking hate you and will hate you forever-" My energy seems to drain away. "Kat," I whisper into the unresponsive phone. "Please be okay?" I swallow and turn off my phone. I can see her house now. 

I pound the steering wheel with my free hand, really damn hard at first and then softer. "Kitty," I begin into the silence, and then run out of words to say. I park my car and step out, surprised to see that I can even stand; I would've thought that my legs would give away. 

Her mom opens the door when I ring the bell and though startled at my unexpected appearance, smiles when she sees me. 

"Ashton, how nice to see-"

"Kat," I interrupt, too agitated to hear out the rest of her sentence.  "I need to see Kat. Where is she?"

"Kat? She's is her room, probably doing her homework."

"Then why isn't she answering her phone?" My voice is so loud, almost a scream, and her mom steps back in astonishment. I push her out of the way as I race up the stairs, and down the corridor to her bedroom, my movements automatic from the dozens of times I've been up here before. I pound on the closed door.

"Kat!" I yell. Her mom comes up behind me. "Are you there?" My heart will leap through my chest at any moment. 

No answer. 

I push the door open, with all the strength I have remaining in my body, expecting it to be locked or barred in some way. That's always the way it is in the movies. But because it's not- because it opens easily- I end up sailing through the door and onto my knees from the momentum. I wince as a bolt of pain shoots up my knee and then look up as her mom gasps. 

I freeze. 

God. 

Her mom rushes to Kat where she's lying on the floor. I stare at the body, looking at her face as though I can prove that it's not her. It can't be her. Why would it be? This isn't Kat. Kat is walking somewhere, she's listening to music, she's in another room...she's not lying on the floor in front of me. 

This is a nightmare a nightmare a nightmare-

A soft whimper behind us breaks the frozen silence. I turn around, seeing Ava, and my first instinct is to hide Kat's unconscious figure from her, but I realise that I'm in no position to do so. After all, I'm not even a family member, right? I stand up and hold the small girl tight against me. I think for a second that it might be because I need something to hold on to, otherwise I might go crazy. 

I feel something hot on my cheeks and realize that I'm crying. Everything is blurring in my vision.

Kat's mom calls an ambulance, her words thick with tears. "My daughter- she's unconscious. I don't know what happened. Come quickly, please-" She bends down and puts fumbling fingers on Kat's thin wrist. "I don't know, I think there's a pulse but it's so slow-"

nightmare nightmare nightmare I'll wake up soon

I don't know how long I hold Ave. I don't even hear the ambulance park in front of the house.

All I remember is hearing myself screaming from a million miles away, listening to my voice beg the medics to revive her, wake her up, anything for me to see her open her eyes again. I remember them telling me that she was still alive, but only just. 

Ave detaches herself from me to go to her mom, and I begin backing up like an animal being chased. My spine hits the wall with a dull thud, but I don't even wince. I feel a dim throbbing in my knees from where I hit them on the floor. 

What have you done, Kat? What have you done?

Oh god Katherine please be okay please-

What am I gonna do?