featherlight ✅

love yourself

"Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you,
When you're broken on the ground
You will be found"

My dad drives me to school. I feel like I'm a new student. Jitters make my knees bounce up and down as I keep checking to see whether my hair is still tied up in a ponytail. I'm terrified that I've forgotten something. 

When we arrive, my dad turns around and says, "Are you sure you're okay, Kat?"

I let out a long breath and nod. Then I shake my head. "What am I meant to expect? What if everyone acts really weirdly around me?"

"Hey," my dad says. He's got a little bit of shaving cream stuck to his jaw. "Maybe some people might, but you just go ahead and ignore them, okay? You've still got all your friends. And Ashton. You can rely on that guy, trust me."

Looking out the window and the swarming people around me, loud voices and backpacks slung on shoulders, I smile. "Yeah, I know." My hand stays on the handle of the car door, but I don't open it. 

"Call me or your mom if you feel like you want to leave at any point."

"I'm not going to chicken-out halfway through the day, Dad." I reach out and wipe the shaving cream off his face. 

"Kat, it's not chickening out. You haven't been to school for a heck of a long time."

"Yeah, but still," I say, finally opening the door and swinging one of my legs out. "I'll be okay." I wave. "See ya."

And then I'm out and walking to my locker. 

My dad's right: I haven't been here in really long time- but nothing has changed. My feet move instinctively in exactly the right direction, and I soak up the atmosphere. I'd never thought I'd be happy that I was back at school, but I am. I can finally try to really live. 

"Katherine!" Someone says loudly as I open my locker and begin unloading my bag. 

I turn to see who it is. Mat comes over to me from his locker; I'd forgotten that it was near mine. "Hi," I say. 

He leans against the lockers and grins. "Fancy seeing you here," he says, and then laughs. "It's been such a long fucking time since you've been in school." Everything about him is sincere. 

"Trust me, I know," I say, rolling my eyes. "I hope I can find all my classes."

"Someone will be around to help you out," he assures me. "We missed you, Kat. We'll all be looking out for you, so if you need anything, give any of us a shout. 'Kay?"

I smile. "Thanks, Mat."

"No problem. Hey, Chase!" He waves, and there's Chase Collins some distance away, talking to one of the guys from the football team. A few months ago, neither of them would have spoken to me, and I would have seen Chase merely as Melrose's golden boy, The Most Popular And Sought-After Guy. "Guess who's back!" Mat yells. 

But as it is, he looks up mid-conversation and waves back with a big smile on his face. "Welcome back, Kat."

I feel my face flush a little. I'd wanted to transition back into school quietly and seamlessly. I guess that's not happening. But it's their welcome and warmth that buzz inside me like a happy firefly throughout the entire day- Steve smiles at me in the hallway, and Polly bounces up and down next to me whenever she can. 

I finally find Ashton in the lunch queue- although we exchanged a few words in the morning, we haven't had any classes together yet. I stand next to him with my Tupperware box. Meg and Em have a class together, but it suddenly strikes me that the fact that they're not with me doesn't make me as upset as it did before. If they want to find me, they will, and if I see them around, then I'll go up to them and chat. I have other people to hang out with. 

Like Ashton. 

"So," he says as we inch forward in the line. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," I say. "It's going better than I expected."

He looks behind me for a few seconds, then turns back to face me. "Any awkwardness encountered?"

I shrug. "Not...really. I mean, a few people are a bit I don't know how to talk to you. But you know what, I can kind of pretend that none of it ever happened and I was never gone. That things are back to how they were a year ago." I pause, and then add, "But only if I use a whole ton of imagination." 

He smiles a little. "So are we back to being strangers, Kitty?"

"Oh my-"

"Chill. I'm joking." He squeezes my arm, and then looks back again. I think I see him give the finger to someone behind us. 

"What?" I say, as he turns to face me. I can't see where he was looking, though I try. 

"Nothing," he answers, and then sees my sceptical face. "Okay, fine. There are a bunch of assholes doing asshole things."

"You're really going to have to be a little more specific than that, Ashton McCoy."

He gets his plate of food and then shakes his head ruefully. "You're pretty stubborn, aren't you?" He walks over to an empty table and sits down. "First of all, please keep in mind that these are assholes I'm talking about. Like, literally three or four people."

"Ashton, just spit it out." 

He hesitates. "So I was in class, and Zoe Gonzalez is all so what's up with you and that chick, y'know? And I was like what's it to you and then she goes off about how I should pick someone who's more like me, whatever the hell that means-"

"Someone better looking. Or popular. Or just part of that friendship group."

"Shut your mouth, Greene. You're beautiful. And I don't give a damn about stupid popularity." He clears his throat. "So anyways, I told her exactly what I thought but she didn't seem to like that very much and just now she was obviously talking shit about us, or me, or whatever. So, yeah." He looks at me expectantly. 

"Okay," I say, after a pause. "That's fine."

But Ashton doesn't look convinced. "I'm serious when I say it's literally three assholes, Kat. No way do other people think that. And I think she's just pissed that you get to hang out with the likes of Chase and Kyle and that they both genuinely like you."

"Are you going to punch me if I apologize?"

He raises his eyebrow. "Are you going to?" he says. "I might not punch you, but I will get mad. Why on earth would you apologize?" 

"Look, I don't want to chain you to an... eating-disorder-y girl."

"Oh my god, Kat. Don't even go there." His voice holds a warning. "Bullshit. That's bullshit."

"Okay," I reply softly. "I won't." 

"You know why that pisses me off? Because that's not what you are!" he says loudly. "That's not what you fucking are! You're Katherine Greene. And I really like you, okay?"

"You're like a guy who walks happily into prison," I say dryly as I click open my Tupperware box just to give my fingers something to do. Did he just say-

He leans in closer, lifting one side of his mouth in a loose smile. His voice is much softer this time. "If this is prison, Kitty, then please tell me what crime I committed to land myself here. 'Cause I will repeat it for all eternity."

"You're crazy." 

"I like this 'prison'." He makes angry air quotes. "A lot." His face is dangerously near mine. "Stop feeling so fucking bad about yourself. Please." 

"I can't look in the mirror and be like, hooray, aren't I beautiful."

"That's okay," he says quietly. "That doesn't mean you've failed. I care about you enough for both of us. For now. For the moment. Until you learn to love yourself."