featherlight ✅

surrender

"You are the earth that I will stand upon
You are the words that I will sing"

My god, last time I was here I was such a different person. Last year, I was here with Em. Last year, I danced with Kat at this very party and felt something inside me shift. 

Last Christmas was a long time ago. 

The place is alive with fairy lights and chatter, the good old croquembouche tower sat majestically on the refreshments table. I go over to it and twist a choux puff off the top, holding my breath as I do for fear that I will make the whole thing collapse. 

I lean against the wall, listening to Michael Bublé's voice waft through the speakers. Meg's house sure is huge. She's across the room, talking to her friends, Kat included. I pop the choux in my mouth.

Kat's still going to therapy sessions, but only once every fortnight now, and she looks a lot better. Smiles more, jokes more, and if you gave her a piece of cake, she'd probably eat it without much hesitation. And thankfully, the idiotic behaviour of Zoe and the others has died down. 

Around a week after Kat came back to school, Zoe spoke to me about what she thought of Kat missing so much school because of her eating disorder. Saying how she was just asking for attention and there was no way you'd have to spend so much time in the hospital for 'a vanity problem'. As though anorexia is a question of ego. Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn in fury. Katherine Greene has fought to live every day when she wanted to give up; has made others feel wanted, needed when others didn't make her feel that way. 

And people still have the fucking audacity to call her weak. 

Chase approaches me as I push off the wall to wander around the room. "Hey, Curly," he says easily, falling into step beside me. 

"What's up?" 

He shrugs. "Not a lot. I, um..." He pushes his hair out of his eyes and raises a shoulder. "I came out to my parents a week ago. So maybe the not a lot bit was a lie." 

"Oh my God." I stop walking. "How did it go?"

Chase gives a short laugh. "I dunno. Alright, I guess?" He shrugs again. "My mom was all oh my poor child, of course we'll love you no matter what."

After I realize he's not going to continue, I prompt. "And your dad?"

Chase frowns as he talks, as though he's trying to figure out how to explain it best. "He's getting used to it. It's weird, because he didn't get angry or anything, just...it's awkward. Because he doesn't talk about it. At all." A wry smile. "Maybe he's just trying to act like nothing happened but he can't remember how he used to behave in front of me. Back when he thought I was straight." 

"D'you think he'll come round? Eventually?"

Kat gives us a wave, and we return it. Chase starts walking towards her. "Yeah, he will. I think he's just a little overwhelmed. It's so weird because my mom keeps asking me if she can do anything to make me feel more comfortable and my dad's the complete opposite. I guess we'll see." 

Kat smiles brightly as we approach her and her friends. She looks amazing in her dress, with earrings that shimmer in the light. She reaches out and wraps her fingers around mine. And I know that Em is right beside us, and that her eyes flick towards us before moving away again, but we've slowly been patching up our old friendship. 

I smile a little at Chase as he begins a conversation with the others, to let him know I'll always be there for him, and he smiles back. Because a smile is worth a million words. 

"Hey, Kitty," I say, as I draw her away from our friends and begin walking towards the other end of the room, because I don't know what else to do. "I got you a present." 

Kat follows me. "You honestly didn't need to." 

"Yeah, well..." I shrug, and then fumble in my pocket to bring out a small box. I hold it out to her. Here goes nothing, I guess. I shouldn't be this nervous.

I study her face as she opens it. I know what's in it- a small glass vial of golden perfume. She furrows her eyebrows for a few moments, confused, then picks it up and reads the lettering on the bottle. I know the exact moment when she understands, because her eyes go to mine, mouth slightly open. 

"Chamade," she says. She looks back at the bottle, twisting it between her fingers. "Sasha Petrova told me what it means." 

"Napoleon's drumbeat for retreat and surrender, I know." I smile slightly. "You know what's funny? She's the one who told me to give you this. Said she felt bad about the shit you were getting and that you were a nice person. And that she was sorry for being a bad girlfriend." 

"She told you to get me this?"

"Yep." I look closely at Kat's expression, trying to decipher whether she's pissed about Sasha being a part of this. "Be honest. Thoughts?"

"It's beautiful and I love it." She reaches her arms around me and hugs me. I breathe her in, holding her tight. "Thank you a hundred times over," she says into my ear. 

And my heart surrenders to her. 

Well, I finally updated after a loooong time of not writing. I'm kind of busy right now, but I figured that if I don't keep updating this book then I'll never get finished. And we're literally two chapters away from the end, so that would be a waste. 

If you're still sticking around and reading, then I love you, you're amazing, and I can't thank you enough. And I hope you stick around just a little longer and stay 'til the end.

Iz xxx