Three Little Birds

Save Me From Myself

"Hey." It has been hours. I think the shock is in full course. My mind is a spinning cyclone running rampant and out of control. I haven't said anything since Mykel brought me to the bedroom.

After I collapsed against Mykel he lifted me into his arms and carried me to the couch. I cling to him as once again my childhood comes rushing back like a tsunami. I turned my head which had been pressed into Mykel's shoulder to look at Liz. "I love you." She kissed my forehead. "Do you want a blunt?" She held it up, already lit with a small smile. I took it and slid off Mykel's lap, coming to settle between them. I leaned into Liz needing that maternal embrace she has always provided me. I handed the blunt to Mykel and curled into Liz's side, her arms coming automatically around me, her fingers sliding through my hair. I felt the hot sting of tears that I tried to force back. "Sh, baby, I've got you," Liz whispered to me.

"I didn't know. All these years and I had no idea." I felt my chest tighten. "He was raping her, Liz. He was...I remember hearing her screaming for him to stop, Liz. 'It hurts, Daddy, no' but I always just thought he was beating her...I never knew...I'd sit in that closet and hold my hands over my ears and cry. He got her pregnant, Liz." Liz didn't say anything as my lamentations increased once again as pieces of my childhood were made clearer. "I should have been able to do something."

"It wasn't your fault, Mattie baby. What could you have done locked up in that closet, huh?"

I couldn't speak as tears rushed through me once more. "I should have tried, Liz, I should have tried to do something." She let me cry before gently pushing me back and wiping away any tears. I could see my reflection in her eyes; wide-eyed and not completely there.

"Baby, none of it was your fault. None of it, Mattie."

"Are you sure?"

"God, yes, baby." She wiped my eyes and drew me back into her embrace. "You were just a baby, Mattie. It wasn't your fault."

After the blunt, Liz rolled another and we passed it between us silently, their eyes communicating silent messages about me. I could feel myself slipping deeper into my past and I saw no way to keep the water from going over my head. Liz kept her arms around me, my head resting against her chest, listening to the solid thumping of her heart, and I felt Mykel close behind me, his hand resting lightly against my ribs, his lips brushing behind my ear. I felt them share another look before Mykel kissed that same spot behind my ear again and gently said, "Come on, baby." He moved from behind me to kneel down beside me before picking me up, cradling me close against him.

I heard him say something to Liz before he turned to make his way upstairs and into his room. I couldn't bring myself to speak the thoughts running through my head and Mykel didn't press it. Though, eventually, I think my silence became too much for him to bear.

"Hey." He ran his knuckle down my cheek, causing my eyes to travel up to meet his. He smiled the barest smile. In his eyes, I read many things. "I love you."

My lips turned the slightest bit skyward. "I love you, too."

"Liz is right, you know. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't fight them off, baby. Especially when you're locked away."

"I spent so much time blaming her for leaving me there." I closed my eyes as a sob began to choke me.

"I know, baby, but you didn't have all the information. But let me ask you something. Do you still blame her? Now that you know she tried to get you out of there and why she left."

I shook my head. "No, not really. I think a part of me is still angry at her leaving, but at least I understand now."

"And that's an attitude change from before you knew the truth of the matter." I nodded. "Mon bonheur, my love, it's okay to feel like you do. You have to just let yourself go through the motions."