Three Little Birds

Admonish and Forgive

Mykel held Mattie long after he fell asleep, simply watching the rise and fall of his rib cage. Gently he slipped out from under him, grabbed the bag of bandages, and headed downstairs when he heard Liz return home.

"Hey," he said by way of greeting, a half-smirk on his face, though the upturn of lips held no levity.

"Hey, yourself," Liz said. She walked past him and into her room where she pulled out her extra stash. "Where's Mattie?"

Mykel looked upward. "Asleep. Much as he fought it."

"Not surprising. He's exhausted." She refused to look at him as she rolled the blunt, keeping her eyes carefully trained on her task.

Mykel sighed. He knew he would have a much harder time with his sister than with Mattie. "Will you help me change these?" Liz's eyes watered and she closed her lids against the onslaught and nodded, her chest tightening against the sudden rush of emotion. Mykel sat wordlessly watching his sister's face as she wrapped his arm in fresh, clean bandages.

"I'll never forgive you for this," she said with conviction, still not meeting his eyes.

"I know." He winced when she was less than gentle. "I'm sorry, Liza. Truly."

"What would we have done...would I have done without you, you great fool?" She turned her glare on him and he felt the icy tendrils of her anger slide down his spine. "You really think this is the way to solve anything?" She pointedly looked at his arm. "That because of what that fat fuck told you, it was worth leaving Mattie. Leaving me?" There was still anger in her eyes, but a deep sorrow as well. "You're the only brother I have left. And you..." She looked away from him, the blunt forgotten, and stood. She walked five paces from the bed, her face hidden behind her hands.

Mykel approached her from behind, much like he had with Mattie earlier, his hands lightly squeezing her shoulders. He could feel the tension in her taut muscles. "I'm sorry, Lizzy." The apology was a strained whisper. "I really don't know what came over me. He told me that and...it brought it all back again. Stronger and more intense. He killed himself because he knew I'd never give up. And it hit me that that's why...and it all became too much." He turned and walked back to the bed, collapsing down onto it, bouncing slightly as the springs in the mattress took his weight. "I've always felt like it was my fault, Liz. If I had done something different...if I had stayed that night...if, if, if, if..." Liz retook her spot next to him. "And to find out...and from him...that he killed himself because his father threatened me...that he had already had it planned out and decided before I came home that night..." He looked at her then, tears in his eyes. "He was packing his stuff, why? To make me get that upset and force me to leave so he could fucking hang himself? To make it easier for me to have most of his things packed already? Either way, it really is my fault. Either way, I really feel like I killed him, Liz. And it just became too much at that moment." He wiped his face and sniffled. "And I couldn't handle it. And I'm sorry, Liz, I'm so fucking sorry. I've fucked everything up. You won't look at me. Mattie won't look at me. He refuses to talk to me about this. He said we'd fight about it and he didn't want to fight...but that he'd mention it again once everything settled down...but...I don't think he will. I think he'll hold it all in and he'll just...explode once he thinks that I'm not going to do it again."

He shook his head slightly. "I tried talking to him about it...about how he feels...and he won't."

Liz lit the forgotten blunt. "Of course he won't. Why would he right now? Beyond what he said as reasoning for not saying anything, he needs to process it all and come to terms with how he feels before he can talk to you about it." She paused. "You think he's the only one that's pissed off about this, Mykel? Cause, I gotta tell ya...I'm fucking livid. And I'm trying to be supportive of you and not make you feel worse about this whole shit hole of a situation, but...I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to think or what to say or how to say it. Or make things worse by saying anything. And I'm sure that's how he feels also. Mykel?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you ever fucking do that again."

"I won't. I won't let my mind go that far like that again...if it ever does come that far again, Liz, I swear, I'll talk to you about it. I'll talk to Mattie about it. I'll talk to someone about it."

Liz's eyes watered again and she hastily wiped them away. "Losing Taylor...Mykel I can't handle losing you, too. Please don't ever do that again...I might follow after you."

Mykel's head shot up, eyes wide, his breathing unable to properly flow. "Liz, don't say shit like that." That familiar feeling bloomed in the pit of his stomach when someone he loved talked about suicide. His fist tightened around her bedspread. 

She watched him for a moment. "Oh, so it's okay if you actually attempt it, but I can't even say it, huh? That seems fair, Mykel."

He shook his head. "That isn't how I meant it. I'm not trying to be hypocritical. I'm not trying to upset you more, either. Can I have some?" She handed him the blunt and he inhaled deeply before exhaling. "What do I do about Mattie, Liz?"

"What do you mean what do you do about him?" She asked in confusion.

"I fucked it up. I know what he's thinking...he doesn't have to say it...he doesn't have to say anything. I can see it in his eyes. I mean, I don't think he's going to end it, but...I lost something important. And I don't know how to get it back. I don't want this one act of stupidity to ruin what I'm trying to build with him."

Liz wanted to tell him that he should have thought about that beforehand but didn't. She knew he was in a dark place and with as angry as she was about his recent actions, didn't want to compound his state with unnecessary cruelty. "Just give him some time, Mykel. Mattie, if you hadn't noticed, is a very fragile person. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He's scared. And angry. And confused. And hurt. But above all he loves you and he'll find a way to work it out in his head. Just...give him that time. Don't rush it. Or him. When he's ready, he'll know. You'll know...even if he's resistant in talking about it...you may have to eventually pry it out of him...but give him some time first." He nodded. "Mykel...I'm not going to sit here and lecture you about selfishness or...anything of that sort...you feel bad enough about it...but one thing I want you to remember...Kaiden made his choice. He decided to do what he did for whatever reason he decided to do it. You didn't hand him the rope...you didn't force him to go through with it. You didn't kill him. No matter what that cocksucker told you...his drunken ass could never find fault in what he did to that boy and he's always blamed someone else for it. What happened with Kaiden wasn't your fault. And that's the truth. I wouldn't ever lie to you. You though, do not need to follow in his footsteps. Please, Mykee...don't follow his footsteps." 

Mykel nodded slightly as tears fell fresh. "Liz?" He looked at her, his eyes pleading. "Can I have a hug?" And she opened her arms to him, grateful to have him here still to hug him, scold him, guide him...like she always had. 

"I love you so much, you asshole." Liz's voice was full of emotion as she felt his shoulders begin to shake under her hold. 

"I love you, too, Liz. I'm sorry, Liz. I'm so sorry." He clutched handfuls of her shirt, his face buried against her shoulder. 

"I know, baby. I know. It's okay now. I'm just glad you're okay. Everything else we can work out, okay? You're not alone, Mykel." She kissed his temple and set her head against his shoulder and together they cried for what almost was, and for a boy, they both missed terribly.