Three Little Birds

Rian

Since going to Mattie's birthday a few months previous, my sister and I remained in almost daily contact. I couldn't be happier about the relationship she and I were building. I had confided in her about my fears after Mykel's...stunt...and many times did she pick me up and take me to her place to calm me down. We were as close as we could be at the moment, and I was surprised at the quick acceleration of our relationship. I was sitting on her couch holding Cory, who was chewing on the tiger's eye stone that was fastened to a leather string that hung around my neck. I smiled at her as her bright blue eyes met mine. She smiled around the necklace.

Mattie and Daniel were upstairs playing video games. I smiled a bit more at the sounds of the children laughing. "So how are you and Mykel doing?" Rian asked me as she handed me a fresh glass of iced tea.

"Not quite as tense as we have been," I said quietly looking away from her.

"Have you two talked about it?" she asked me softly.

I nodded. "Yeah. I told him we were okay. We talked and cried and got things more out into the open..."

"But?" she prompted.

"But I'm...still really fucked up about it. I...I mean I don't hold it over his head. We did clear the air between us. And I'm not even mad at him anymore. But God, Rian...it hurts so bad still."

"Have you tried talking to him about it again?" I shook my head. "Why not? Maybe you should."

I shrugged. "I've thought about it. But I don't wanna beat a dead horse, either."

"Communication is important in the healing process, Mattie bear."

I smiled at the nickname. "Rian?"

She looked at me. "What?"

"I...I'm not mad at you anymore, either. I don't blame you anymore. We were both in a bad situation. And I'm glad that he didn't grow up like we did," I said glancing upstairs.

She smiled. Her tears caught me off guard. "Really?"

"Really. I really missed you. I thought about you so often. I always hoped you were okay."

"I missed you, too. So much. There wasn't a day that passed I didn't think about you. I always hoped you were okay and safe."

I shook my head. "I wasn't. For a long time. Even after I ran away. Not until Liz. And then later Mykel."

"They're good for you. I'm glad you have them." She smiled. "And I'm glad you're back in my life, little brother. I was really scared you wouldn't call me. I cried myself to sleep many nights after that encounter at the tattoo shop. You were so angry." She looked away in shame.

"I was devastated. You were all I had. And then you were gone. And I had no one. Until them. And I mean...it still hurts, Rian. When I remember that night. Feeling abandoned. It's never left me. And I'm still fucked up about it. About all of it. I mean...I can barely shower...the water...all I remember is being held down...and I panic. Mykel..." I smiled. "Mykel's been helping me get over that fear. But...I'm still so fucked up. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and working on borrowed time. That eventually...everyone I love will leave again. And I'll be right back where I started from. And I know I couldn't handle that. And I think that's one reason why this thing with Mykel is still fucking with me. It isn't that I necessarily think he'll try and kill himself again...just that...he'll leave, too." I laughed a dry, humorless laugh. "Find someone else. Get tired of dealing with my constant breaking down. My self-depreciation. My doubts. Me..."

"Do you always feel that way?"

"No." I looked at her. "Just when things are really stressful. I...hear Mom in my head. Telling me I'm nothing. That it's all just a game to him. That I need to get back in my box. Why would he love a whore?"