Three Little Birds

All Through the Night

It had been hours since we had gotten home. Mykel still hadn't said anything more since I cleaned his wrist. I looked at the clock on the table next to the bag of bandages Liz bought. It was nearing ten p.m. With a sigh, I glanced to Mykel. His eyes were closed but I knew he was awake. Liz was awake as well. I looked at her with a sad smile before reaching over and grabbing the bag. I pulled out the new roll of gauze, antiseptic cream, and a new, crisp, white wrap. Silently I took Mykel's wrist and began to unwrap it. I kept sending glances his way, trying to read in his face if my movements were causing him pain. No amount of pain I accidentally inflicted could compare to the pain in his heart; his face remained passive. I finished re-wrapping his wrist, thankful the bleeding stopped some time ago. Gently I set his arm back down beside him before standing and leaving the room. I made my way downstairs slowly, manically, and made my way toward the kitchen. My body craved something to relinquish the dehydration that had settled over me. I reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of apple juice, opened the lid, and consumed the contents.

I stood leaning against the counter, taking large breaths and slowly exhaling in some attempt to offset the panic that was welling up within me. What if I hadn't gone and checked on him when I did? What if I had just given him space like I had so many times before when he was upset? What if I had been too late? These questions swirled around my mind in a cyclone-esk manner, swirling my thoughts into a chaotic mess of what could have been. What might still be, for all I knew.

A sob escaped me and my head dropped to my hands. Through all the abuse I had gone through in my life up until meeting Liz, through all the fear that accompanied living the life that I did, never before had I been met with such an absolute terror as I had when I opened that bathroom door. Everything zeroed in on Mykel and that knife. There were no outside sounds save the rushing of my blood through my ears. My knees gave out, unable or unwilling to hold me up any longer and I sank unceremoniously to the floor. I doubled over, my face still buried in my hands as everything from the past several hours began to catch up with me. My tears and lamentations poured from me silently like spilled water, collecting in my palms before seeping through my closed fingers. The tile floor was hard under my legs, but that physical pain was welcomed to the agony that had consumed me. I don't know how long I stayed like that, sobbing violently and alone, but eventually, I regained control of myself, stood, and made my way slowly back up the stairs.

As I approached I heard quiet voices. I half hoped they would both be asleep by the time I re-entered the room. They both looked at me as I entered but I kept my head down. I didn't want to see the looks in their eyes, the look in Mykel's eyes, lest I lose myself entirely once again. I retook my place next to Mykel that I had earlier vacated, my hands folded together, head down, eyes closed. I felt betrayed, among other things. Was I so easy to leave that he could slit his wrist for me to find him? At that moment I knew how Mykel felt the night he found Kaiden hanging from the rafters, at least to some degree. I was livid. All his promises to never want to leave me. His promises that suicide was never an option for him, despite what he was going through. His anger at me for the cuts on my legs. I could feel myself shaking with held back emotion, my breath hitching and catching. I could feel the storm brewing inside me waiting to erupt violently at just the precise moment.

I jumped slightly when I felt Mykel's hand on mine. I didn't look at him, only squeezed my eyes that much tighter. My demons began whispering confirmations and affirmations on everything I was doubting as I listened closely to what they had to say.

"Mattie." My name was a whisper on a scream and I damned myself for allowing more tears to show themselves. "Mattie, please look at me." I made no move to acquiesce to his request. "Mattie, please." Slowly I consented, dragging my vision over to him. He had sat up and I was face to face with him. At his attempt to wipe my eyes I shook my head in denial and stood. I knew if he touched me in such an intimate fashion I would explode. My arms rounded my torso in a gripping self-hug as I watched the carpet under my feet. I felt the shuddering emotion bubble it's way back to the surface as I heard his breath escape in a hitching release. He said something to Liz that I didn't catch and she slowly left the room. I knew she wouldn't go far. I had yet to look at him again, even as I heard him stand and approach me. "Mattie, please say something."