Three Little Birds

Whisper on a Scream

"Why are you still avoiding it?" Mykel asked me again. We'd been arguing for nearly fifteen minutes.

"I'm not avoiding anything," I replied, my voice icy, my eyes narrowed. It had been four weeks since Mykel had slit his wrist in the bathroom. Many times he had tried to get me to open up about that night. He had opened up to me several times over the last month when it began to rampage his mind. I always let him speak, listened with as much alacrity that I always had. I kept my emotions separate from those moments, concentrating only on him. Now, something else about that night plagued him. The chain reaction the action itself set into motion.

I knew I was avoiding it. By the look on his face, I knew he knew I was lying through my teeth. We were standing in my bedroom a few feet away from each other. We started in bed, cuddled together, and relaxed. Having a good morning. Then he dared to broach the subject...and before coffee!

"You are avoiding it, and you damn well know it. Just talk to me about it. Scream at me if you have to, just fucking something, Mattie. You forget I'm the one that calms your nightmares. I hear the pleading in your sleep. Stop holding it in. What are you so afraid of?"

"Nothing." I was being unnecessarily stubborn and I very much knew it.

Mykel laughed a quiet, pain-filled sound. "I knew you would do this. This is why I didn't want to wait to hash this out. I don't care if you scream and yell at me, Mattie, but just say something about it."

"No."

"So, you can talk to Liz about it...you can take her comfort and listen to what she has to say, but can't give me the time of fucking day, huh? That's really fucking fair, Mattie."

I cross my arms, my anger beginning to fizzle out as I hear the pain in his voice. "I just...can't yet, Mykel."

"Why not?" He wasn't looking at me, but now looking at the floor, his voice lower and heavier. I didn't answer him, my eyes slipping closed as all the emotion I'd been holding back began to creep forward. He nodded, his eyes now boring into my soul. "I see. I guess I did fuck this up beyond repair then, didn't I?" He didn't wait for a response as he walked from the room. I heard him enter his room and a shuffling noise. I assumed he was getting dressed. I flinched like I'd been struck as he slammed his bedroom door. I listened as he proceeded down the steps, and flinched again as the front door shut with a loud bang! and I knew he was gone. I heard him back from the driveway and pull off down the road. It was only when I could no longer hear the car did the tears fall. Slowly at first before their speed increased.

Slowly I lowered myself onto the bed, buried my face in his pillow, and, surrounded by his scent, screamed. I heard the sounds of footsteps on the stairs sometime later, but I knew they didn't belong to Mykel. They were too light. I felt Liz's hand on my shoulder and slide around my back as she sat next to me. "Baby, why don't you just talk to him?" My cries came harder, my face still obfuscated by the pillow. Liz's fingers found their way into my hair. She said nothing more as she waited for me to calm down. "Mattie." Her voice was so soft as she spoke to me. So full of patience and worry it broke my heart further.

"I can't, Liz, I can't," I wailed, my words muffled. "I just can't."

"Why not, my love?" I couldn't answer her as my cries increased and she pulled me into her. I latched my arms around her, holding on as I came crashing down. I sobbed, my breath coming in short, gasping as my heart rate sped up. "Mattie, baby, you need to breathe." She ran her fingers through my hair, kissing gently in random spots along my head. "Sh, sh, baby. Breathe, my love. Breathe." She kept repeating soothing words and phrases, her fingers gliding through my hair, down my back, and along my arm.